


Dandelion's Promise

by Roriette



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Amputation, Childhood Friends, Friendship, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Unrequited, children to adults
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-18
Updated: 2014-12-15
Packaged: 2018-02-13 16:09:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2156877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roriette/pseuds/Roriette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The things that change as they grow up, and the promise they intend to keep.</p><p>A simple love story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Spring

**Author's Note:**

> slowly posting from tumblr.  
> this fic is 4 parts, 4 seasons, 4 ages. me trying to fill in the blanks from their childhood to adulthood. so a lot of made up things tying in with canon. 
> 
> rating changes.

Part 1:

_Spring, the promise we made that day._

**~*~**

It was spring when Nagachika Hideyoshi finally settled into his new house in Tokyo. Eight years old and bubbling with excitement for his first city experience after moving in from the countryside, he was a bundle of nerves just at the mere prospect of starting second grade in a class of thirty. It was going to be his first day in the busy and very populated Tokyo, his first time adapting to a new place, his first day of school, and possibly making his first…new friend.

Back in the countryside, he didn’t have any friends. All of the boys were older than him, and all of the girls didn’t like hanging out with the opposite gender. The houses were also separated with a noticeable distance in due part of the farms and ranches. There was so much space in between that it affected the families’ desire to interact with each other. People kept to themselves and did the necessary things, whether it was waking up at the crack of dawn or working till their hands scraped and bruised, to feed their children.

He associated playtime with feeding the pigs and chickens, and often, his hands scraped and bruised just like his dad’s, and although the days were hard, they were fun. He loved tending to the animals. His mom said he was a natural, an “animal whisperer;” someone who understood animal behaviors like it was an expertise, because of how well he tended to them.

But because of how much care and love he poured onto those animals, the parting became unbearably tough. He cried and cried until he couldn’t bring out anymore tears. Before they left, he hugged and squeezed each chick, rooster, mother hen, and fresh-out-of-the-mud-bath pig, told them that he’d be back for them, and though the animals said nothing, he felt like they accepted his promise. Maybe they were crying for him on the inside as well.

He couldn’t do anything but stare out the window in the back of the van and watch as the new family moved in to continue the work they had left behind. He stared and stared until the ranch, the pastel blue house, and the animals were swallowed up in the distance, and by then, he was choking once more from new found tears.

"Please take care of them! They’re my friends, so please, please, don’t let them get hurt," he prayed, snot dribbling down his nose, when, at last, all around was nothing but fields and endless green fields filled with white-petaled dandelions swaying in the spring breeze.

His mother had turned around in the passenger seat, wrinkles around her eyes deep and worried, and he remembered thinking for the first time just how the farm life had aged her. “They’ll be fine, Hide-chan. So don’t cry, okay?”

So he nodded, sullen, and the rest of the ride passed in silence.

But here he was now, his first time in the metropolis, prepping for the first day of class. His mother frittered around, making sure he had everything he needed in his backpack. They were in the living room filled with things that they never had before, things that other families had that they couldn’t afford. There was the TV, the washer and dryer, the electronic stove, electronic everything. He couldn’t keep still, brown eyes wide and taking in all the new things in this new house.

"Don’t forget your bento," his mom reminded him. "Daddy is waiting outside. He’ll walk you to your school. Make friends, okay, Hide-chan?"

"Do you think they’ll like me?" he asked.

She bent down and put her hands on his shoulders, looking into his eyes. He stared back, brows knitted anxiously. He noticed premature white strands of hair among her blonde, the beginnings of crowfeet in the corners of her eyes, and her pale, tired complexion. She put on a happy smile for him everyday, but he knew that it was a facade. Deep down, he knew she wasn’t happy with their life at the ranch. It was a taxing job, from daybreak to dusk; it was neverending, there was no room for rest, and as soon as they closed their eyes, they opened right back up to work.

And it was also emotionally draining.

Every week, the numbers dwindled. A few chickens missing, a pig that magically left its pen in the middle of the night, eggs spirited away, his dad gone for a couple of hours in the rented truck, coming back with a bagful of money and a lack of animals that he had taken out for a “grazing,” grim smile utterly forced –

He knew.

They didn’t need to say anything for him to find out where those animals disappeared off to. They could lie through their teeth as many times as needed, and it would never be enough to fool him.

Yippy and Yappy, the two chickens that he named, a dozen of eggs that he endearingly titled the Freshlings, and an elderly pig called Pinky. They were the last ones to go before the move to Tokyo. The batch of eggs went to a farmer’s market, while the rest went to a slaughterhouse.

He may only be eight, but he wasn’t naive. He knew they didn’t just disappear into thin air like it was some unsolvable mystery. It was something that would occur over and over as long there was life. The animals were sacrificed for  _him_. And there was nothing he could do about it. He knew, he _understood_ , and because he understood, he accepted. That was why he didn’t blame his parents or asked them to keep the animals in the same manner that he didn’t beg and plead to stay at the ranch. He accepted it, because he understood that there were things that couldn’t be fought in life.

Because that was how things worked – how life worked, and it was better to sacrifice the animals than sacrifice his own family.

"Will they laugh at me? The only friends I made are pigs and chickens, so…they’ll just laugh at me," he mumbled, and in a much quieter voice, he whispered, "I miss Yippy and Yappy."

"Nagachika Hideyoshi."

He winced at his mother’s stern voice. “Yes, mom?”

There were fingers on his face, and he felt them squeeze and pinch his cheeks three times.

"Ow, ow, it  _hurts_ , stop it, mom!” he groaned in pain.

She withdrew after the fifth pinch, strict gaze unwavering and hands on her hips in the way she would react when she caught him lazing around with unfinished laundry.

He rubbed his raw cheeks with a hurt expression, lips jutted in a pout.

"Are you telling me you want to be the loser in class who can’t find a partner for group projects? Hm, Hideyoshi-kun?"

"I don’t want to be a loser," he sulked. "I want to make friends."

His mother’s face relaxed into a smile.

A real smile.

"Then don’t come home until you make one. Pinky promise mommy, Hideyoshi."

Distinctly, he remembered how she used his full name, spoke as if there were no road of return, and smiled with expectation, as he intertwined his pinky with hers and sealed their little promise.

She kissed him on the forehead and told him to go, and when he turned around to look back at her, he saw a bright, carefree smile that he hadn’t seen in years.

And he grinned, waving his arm up high to the blue sky, and he knew without looking that his usually grim-faced father was also sharing their happiness.

In this springtime, they had another shot at a new beginning, and it was with this optimistic outlook that Hideyoshi introduced himself cheerfully on the first day of class.

"Hi! I’m Nagachika Hideyoshi from Yagata Prefecture. This is my first time in Tokyo. I’m a little scared because of it, but I hope you treat me well, and nice to meet you!"

His classmates clapped politely; the boys laughed and the girls giggled, as he bowed his back and blushed hotly. There was the strange feeling of having pairs and pairs of eyes on him, scrutinizing, judging, and he started doubting himself. Did he come off too tacky and country bumpkin-like? Maybe he shouldn’t have been so embarrassingly honest.

"All right, Nagachika-kun, you may choose your seat," the teacher dismissed him. He sighed in relief and straightened up. "Next, Suzuya Haru, please come up and introduce yourself."

He looked around to see if he could find an empty table. He caught the eyes of a couple of girls in the front row, and they looked away shyly. He scratched the back of his head sheepishly, grinning, feeling self-conscious and awkward as he searched for friendly faces in an unfamiliar crowd. They were laughing at him just now, weren’t they?

 _So this is a school…_ he thought. Wooden floor, rectangular windows letting in streams of morning sun, chalkboard in the front, and rows of desks and chairs filled with kids his age. The teacher said he could take any open seat, but most of them were already taken by groups of friends. He knew it would be awkward for him to sit next to an already established friend zone, so he looked for an empty seat beside someone who could potentially be –

_Ah, there it is! I found one._

He headed for the windows and then stopped at the open desk next to a brunet. The boy he had chosen as his table neighbor had black hair, fringed over his round brown eyes, and was absorbed in a book. He looked as if he hadn’t a care for the world around him.

He was perfect.

"Hey," Hideyoshi said, tapping the boy’s shoulder.

His classmate jerked, hands loosening on the book, and the novel dropped to his lap. He uttered a small noise in surprise and then looked up, eyes widening in confusion. “Y-yes?”

"Is there anyone sitting here?" Hideyoshi asked, pointing to the open chair next to the brunet. "If not, can I sit here?"

The boy’s mouth parted slightly. His brown eyes darted left to right as if he thought that Hideyoshi was talking to someone else. When he realized that he was actually the person in address, he blushed in embarrassment. “No one usually asks to sit with me, so…” he trailed off. His voice was soft and meek, taciturn.

"So…" Hideyoshi continued. "It’s okay if I sit?"

The boy nodded after a second’s worth of hesitation.

"Great!" he whispered in excitement, pulling the chair out from under the desk and plopping himself into it.

"All right, class B2. I am your homeroom teacher for the rest of the year. You may address me as Jiro-sensei. Let’s welcome the new students once more, and then open the text to the index."

There were a second round of polite claps, and then all was quiet but the droning lecture of the teacher and uniformed pages rustling to the index.

He found himself dazing into space a third of the way into class. His mom was his first teacher, and he never remembered her lessons to be this boring. But then again, if he ever were distracted, she would punish him with a sharp whack of the ruler on his palm, and that was more than enough to get his undivided attention.

As he glanced out the window, he noticed his dark-haired neighbor was playing the part of a delinquent in quite the academic fashion; he had the textbook on the desk, but he also had the novel he was reading open on his lap. And by the way his neck was bowed and his gaze down, there was no argument as to which book he was paying attention to. The teacher didn’t seem to notice, immersed in his lecture and chalking notes on the blackboard, his back to the students.

No one noticed but him.

-

The school bell rang, and all of the students got up, chatting loudly and filing out of the classroom door pair by pair. Hideyoshi yawned, stretching his arms. His desk neighbor had nodded to him briefly before leaving the class, nose deep in the novel and oblivious to the strange looks he received from his classmates.

He wanted to know the boy’s name so he could call him something other than “desk neighbor,” but he had vanished quietly and quickly like a ninja on a mission.

He couldn’t help but sulk a little when his mom came up the slope to pick him up after school.

"How was your first day, Hide-chan?" she asked, taking his hand. They walked down the pavement side by side, hand in hand. "Why the long face? Did someone bully you?"

"No, it’s just…" he started, sucking in his cheeks and making a disappointed face. "He’s gone."

She took a moment to decipher his meaning. When she understood, she giggled softly and asked, “Why don’t you try again tomorrow? It’s only the first day, after all.”

"But!" he spluttered. "If I don’t make a friend, I can’t go home!"

"Oh, Hide- _chan_!”

They looked at each other and burst out in laughter, his childish laugh ringing alongside hers. The sun was warm as they continued onward to their new home, as warm as their clasped hands. Sakura petals fluttered every which way in the spring breeze and covered the sidewalk in an overlay of pink. It was refreshing and different from the stink of manure in the countryside. As they passed the river, he noticed a small figure on the grass field.

He stopped walking.

Black hair, white shirt, grey pants – could it be…

"I’ll be right back!" he told his mom, and he sprinted down the decline toward the grassy riverbank.

"Hide-chan, be careful!"

"I’ll be fine!" he replied, excitement rippling through him as he jogged toward the lone boy.

As expected, he was reading a novel. It was the same book he was sneaking passages from earlier in class, the one that had “Beetle” in the title.

Hideyoshi halted in front of the raven, leaning down so that his shadow covered the pages. “You’re always reading something, huh?” he mused.

His desk neighbor looked up, surprised.

"You remember me?" Hideyoshi pointed at himself, grinning cheekily. "I sat next to you today."

His classmate mouthed an ‘o.’ A bashful tone resonated in his murmured reply, “I remember. Sorry, I’m not good at talking to others…”

"That’s fine with me!" Hideyoshi said. "Actually, I just moved here, so I don’t have any friends. That’s why I was wondering if…you would like to be my friend?"

A breath of air flew around them. The dark hair of his classmate, their clothes, Hideyoshi’s blonde locks ruffled in the breeze, as white fluffs of the dandelions on the grassy riverbank left their roots, like children who eventually leave their mothers, and floated into the air, dancing with the wind.

Hideyoshi waited in suspense, his eyes locked on the wide brown irises. His breath caught in his throat, heart jumping hurdles, pulse racing, and –

"Sure."

He felt his chest relax and his heart explode.

The raven, with his knees pulled up to his chest and novel in hand, smiled sheepishly. Cheeks dusted over with a light pink.

"Awesome!" Hideyoshi exclaimed, grinning widely. "I’m Nagachika Hideyoshi. My name’s really long, so you can shorten it if you wanna."

"I’m Kaneki Ken. So, umm, can I call you Hide, then?"

Hideyoshi beamed. “It’s short and sounds good, so yeah! You’re my first friend, Kaneki!”

"Really?" Kaneki wondered.

He nodded. “I lived on a ranch, so long story short, the friends I made were all animals. You’re my first human friend.”

Kaneki laughed quietly alongside him.

"I hope we can be friends forever, Kaneki," he said, crossing his arms behind his head as he straightened up.

The bookworm perked up at his words. He toyed with his bottom lip before murmuring, “Actually, well, maybe it’s possible…there’s this old folklore that said if you wished on a dandelion and then blew out its seeds, you’d free the fairies and they would make your wish come true. I mean, of course it’s just superstition, so – “

"Let’s do it!"

"…Eh?" Kaneki blinked.

Hideyoshi plucked out two dandelions from the grass and handed one to the brunet. “Let’s blow it at the same time on the count of three,” he said excitedly. “Here’s to friends forever! One, two –”

"W-wait! Hide, you did it before me!"

"Crap. Ahahaha, let’s start over. Here."

"Wait properly this time, please!"

"Okay, Kaneki! One, two, three!"

The white plumes of seeds blew, and they watched as the dandelions floated around them. Farther and farther up, they watched as the seeds disappeared into the blue sky.

Farther and farther.

Until they could no longer be seen.


	2. Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Field trip.

Part 2:

_Summer, the words I couldn't say._

**~*~**

Two pairs of pajamas. Check.

A fresh pack of underwear. Check.

One roll of toilet paper. Check. And an extra for security reasons. Double check.

A flashlight. Check.

Neon pink raincoat. Che -

_Bam!_

"Mom, for the last time, I don’t want this color!"

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

"I wanted the blue one! Not this ugly pink. No man should ever get caught wearing pink. Mom!"

_Thump. Thump._

"Hideyoshi, lower your voice."

"Can we go back and trade for the blue raincoat, please, please, ple - "

He stopped at the foot of the stairs. His parents and a man in a business suit were sitting on the living room couch, backs slightly bowed over the coffee table and very obviously absorbed in some sort of contract signing. “Er,” he uttered, pink raincoat he was mercilessly criticizing dangling from his hand and a full head of bed hair greeting his parents and the guest. He flushed. “Oops.”

"Hideyoshi." His mother smiled.

A cold shiver ran down his spine.

"Your father and I, we are currently in the middle of a meeting. Now, will you please?" She smiled again.

He apologized and quickly turned tail for his bedroom, but not before catching the ends of their conversation.

"…don’t mind him."

"Oh, no worries. I have a son about his age. Twelve years old, and quickly growing. They’re all energetic at this age, aren’t they?"

"Right, and you just can’t help but worry sometimes."

"Time passes so fast. In a blink, and we’ll be the ones leaning on their shoulders."

They laughed quietly.

He stuck his tongue out and then shut the door behind him, muffling the voices.

Bzz. Bzz.

"Oooh, new message," he said.

He walked around the path of dirty clothes on the floor and jumped onto his unmade bed. The black duffel bag laid on a molehill of shirts and pants, opened and halfway packed. He carelessly threw the pink raincoat on the unzipped luggage and picked up the buzzing mobile.

 

Nagachika grinned, tapping out his response.

__

He saw the “…” on the bottom of the screen that signaled his texting partner was in the midst of a reply. The ellipsis disappeared and then reappeared. Disappeared again, and reappeared a second later.

He snickered to himself.

Kaneki’s annoyance came buzzing in.

__

Breaking out in laughter, he rolled around on the mattress and typed out:

__

-

Class A3, the class of first year students from Togaku Junior High, was gathered in front of a school bus. The teacher, a spectacled woman with the surname Mamori but argued for a first name basis with her students, waved her clipboard in the air to draw in the last minute freshmen.

"Hustle, hustle, first years! You don’t want to be left behind and be forced to write a boring twelve-paged letter of apology to the principal on the consequences of wasting the school’s already depleting budget!"

"Ma-mo-ri-san," class B4’s glasses-wearing homeroom teacher, Fujiyama, said through gritted teeth, "I would appreciate if you would please  _stop_  publicizing our school’s financial problems, because if you were present during the most recent board meeting, you would’ve been thoroughly notified as to  _not_  spread toxic and unnecessary information to students and bring Togaku’s pride down to the gutter.”

"Oh, don’t be so uptight all the time, Fujiyama-kun! Luggages and all travel bags over here, please! Come on, hurry, hurry."

"K-k- _kun_?! Mamori-san, I may be younger than you by two negligible years, but I too, have degrees from both abroad and domestic, and it is only due to my ancestral obligation to uphold the scholarly values of Togaku Private that I became a mere homeroom teacher. Otherwise, I would be a university professor long ago. Do you catch my drift,  _Mamori-senpai_?”

"Fujiyama-kun, I can’t hear you properly over all the noises! Can you help Suzu-chan with her luggage?"

The sky was a hazy blue, absent of white clouds. The early morning sun was bright, hovering over Tokyo like an emperor on his righteous throne.

"Of all the teachers we could’ve paired with, why did we get stuck with class B4’s stick-up-his-ass Fujiyama," Hide muttered as he stepped off his bike, duffel bag hanging on his shoulder and headphones wrapped around his neck. He was adorned in a navy blue gakuran, the required dress code for the field trip. "He gives detentions like it’s his calling in life. Do you remember how much I suffered the first week?" He wrinkled his nose. "Because I kept forgetting to button the first three buttons, and he gave me detention for a week straight!"

"Hide, they’re still unbuttoned," Kaneki remarked from behind.

"Oh."

After he fixed his buttons, they locked their bikes to the poles and walked to the bus. It was parked in front of the school gates and already filled with students from their class.

"Kaneki, let’s grab the back seats," he said.

"Yeah," the raven agreed. "Mind if I take the window seat?"

"Sure," Hide replied. "I don’t mind. You want to finish up that book about the man-beetle, right?" he asked, looking over and catching the excited glimmer in Kaneki’s eyes. How predictable.

"Yeah, I only have twenty pages left. You should give it a try, Hide. It’s one of my favorites from Franz Kafka.  _The Metamorphosis_. It’s about this man who transformed into a giant insect overnight, and…”

He listened to his childhood friend ramble until they made it to the bus, where their homeroom teacher was waiting for them, clipboard in hand.

"There you two are! Always arriving together and casually strolling in at the last minute with no regards to the school schedule," she commented playfully. "I thought you were planning to play hooky!"

"Sorry for the trouble, Mamori-sensei," Kaneki apologized, bowing his head. "My bike ran out of gas, and we had to find an air pump. If Hide weren’t there, I wouldn’t have made it in time, so please don’t punish him."

"Apology accepted." She nodded at him and switched her attention to Hide. "And you, Hideyoshi-kun?"

Hide shifted his feet, bowing as well. “I’m sorry. I won’t be late again.”

"All right, pass!" Mamori-sensei announced, signing their names on the checkin. "Now get on the bus before we  _really_  leave you boys behind, okay? Go, go. Leave your duffels here so we can put it in the storage.”

They obeyed, dropping their bags on the ground and then making their way into the vehicle. Heads turned and conversations ignited as soon as they climbed in.

"Oi, oi, you two are always arriving late to the last second like heroes in a shounen manga. What’s the story this time, Nagachika?" someone shouted from the back.

The downside of going to an interconnected middle school and junior high was that everyone knew each other. They would have classes together, hang out at the same park, live in the same neighborhood, and know each other’s gossips. As soon as a running joke became popular, it was doom on planet earth, and there was no way to escape from it. Come to think of it, his and Kaneki’s friendship had been one of the longest running jokes to date. Not that he particularly cared for it.

"Well, we were on our way when we saw a pregnant lady on the road who was about to give birth. Because of our duties as heroes in a shounen manga, we couldn’t just abandon her, right, Kaneki?" Hide said, slinging his arm around his friend’s shoulder.

Kaneki nodded, hiding behind his novel. The tips of his ears were red.

"We biked her to the hospital with the speed of light and somehow got caught in an arms race against the police until we finally made it, and bam! The baby delivery was a success!" he exclaimed, pumping the air with his fist. "Thanks to the heroes of Tokyo, the HideKane brothers!"

"Eehhh? But you guys aren’t brothers!"

"The HideKane bros! Woot!"

"The heroes of Tokyo!"

"Pregnant ladies!"

"All right, settle down, class," the homeroom teacher said. "Inori-chan, you should be sitting with Hanabi-chan. Tetsuya-kun, you’re with Kamiya-kun. Guys, get to your assigned seats."

The chatters died as the students groaned and shuffled to their designated partners for the field trip.

Hide sat down beside Kaneki in the third row.

"Hide."

"Hm?" he answered.

Kaneki flipped a page. “You have a vivid imagination.”

"You think so?" Hide laughed. He felt the vibrations of the chair as the bus started its engines. Daylight streamed in and dust particles materialized. The heat of the summer sun warmed his thighs while hushed conversations of his classmates energized the vehicle. "Hey, it’s all because of you and your daily gothic horror recitals." He nudged Kaneki’s arm with his elbow. "Can’t blame me, right?"

An amused smile curved the brunet’s lips. “I’m not blaming you, Hide. Actually, I wanted to thank you,” he whispered. “You didn’t have to cover for me. I’m the one who drags you down every morning. It’s my fault.” He took a breath. “I’m really sorry.”

_Bump._

"Ow," Kaneki uttered, clutching his head. "Hide,  _what_  - “

Hide bopped him again with his fist and then caught the brunet in a headlock, trapping Kaneki under his arm. He squeezed until Kaneki started turning red.

"Let - go, Hide, guh!" He coughed. "I can’t…breathe…!"

Hide looked down at his struggling friend, watching him shake his head and try to escape from the headlock. “Only if you promise not to say stupid stuff and blame yourself for things that can’t be helped, okay?” he said.

Their little fight drew attention from the classmates seated near them, but they merely giggled and looked away once they saw who was making the ruckus.

Kaneki calmed down under his arm, struggling movements ceased and head bowed.

"You’re not the only one who’s worried, you know," Hide continued, loosening the headlock.

"I know," Kaneki murmured.

"She looked a little better this morning. She just overworked herself. As long as she rests longer like the doctor said, everything will be okay," Hide assured. "Trust me."

"…Yeah." Kaneki nodded.

Hide let him go. They sat in silence for a moment until he pulled his somber companion in, wrapping his arm around Kaneki’s shoulder. Their heads knocked against each other softly. “So let’s keep visiting your mom every morning until she gets better, Kaneki.”

Kaneki’s eyes widened slightly, lips parted. Head resting against Hide’s, feeling his friend’s warm body heat and the reassuring pressure around his shoulder. Knowing that he wasn’t alone.

"After all, we’re best friends, aren’t we?" Hide said, grinning, ruffling the latter’s raven hair messily.

Kaneki’s expression softened and relaxed into a smile, brown irises glimmering figments of gold in the concave sunlight. “Yeah.”  _Best friends_. There was so much in that statement. Words are powerful. Just a few words make a big difference. Just a couple had him lighter than the wind.

Memories of spring four years ago flashed through his mind. Nostalgic memories of white plumes like clouds, bursting from their stems into the airy breeze all around them, round and round, as they stared in awe and fascination, eyes keeping watch on the blue sky until those dandelions made their way into the gates of heaven. Blessed and innocent like their promised friendship, carrying their childish wish into netherland, into a place where it was safe and protected by fairy dust.

Words are powerful, moving, vivid. They’re magic, in this concrete world.

"Best friends."

-

Well, they were best friends. Hide wasn’t going to deny that. No, of course not. They were the bestest of best friends. The best of the best. However, no everlasting friendship on the face of earth was going to save him from the coldest shower known to mankind if they were to come in  _last place_.

"Kaneki," he panted, "we have to - hurry."

"Hide," Kaneki gasped breathlessly, limping alongside him, "I’m -  _trying_.”

Hide jumped forward one-legged; the action caused Kaneki to trip and fall, and he yelped in pain as he crash landed on the grass field, face-first. Hide watched him go down and winced, “Ouch.”

"Oww," Kaneki groaned. His pale face, hands, and knees were scraped and decorated by dirt and grass. He grabbed Hide’s outstretched hand and stood up unsteadily.

The two of them were glued together by a three-legged band tied around their ankles. They were supposed to work together to get from the starting point to the finish line, but Kaneki’s athletic abilities weren’t exactly a thing to brag about and seemed to only add unto the bumps on the already bumpy road. A lack of coordination between the two of them had their teamwork in shambles.

Well, neither of them were particularly optimistic about this event. It was a bad omen from the start.

The last pair to reach the finish designated the last to take a shower. Since Kaneki fell, they had to restart from the beginning, but at this rate everyone was finishing up, and they were the only ones left, standing in the middle of the field. There was no point in continuing. Hide helped Kaneki to the finish line.

"Good luck, you two. You’re gonna need it," the class representative told them when they made it to the end.

Hide bent to undo the strap, and as soon as he got it off, Kaneki collapsed on the grass. He heaved, panting, as the afternoon sun beat down on the field. Hide laughed, wiping off his sweat with a wet towel from the basket and tossing one to Kaneki.

"Sorry, Hide," the raven apologized. The towel sat on his face, cooling him off. "I’m really not cut out for these physical things."

"Nah, you tried your best. I wasn’t expecting anything anyway," Hide replied.

Kaneki peeked out from under the towel, insulted.

"On the bright side, we need a cold shower, so it’s a win-win situation!" Hide gave him a thumbs up.

"Eck," Kaneki uttered, dusting blades of grass off his tee and shorts.

Hide helped him brush them off. They were both sweaty and covered in dirt spots. “Let’s go, Kaneki! This feels gross,” he complained.

"Yeah. I think a mosquito just bit my leg. It’s itchy…"

"I think I got bit too. Let’s go, go, go, before more of those come ‘round. Cottage is down that way. Aghh, can’t wait to get in the shower."

"It’s really hot…Hide, don’t put your arm around me. I’m dying."

"All right, all right. Then carry me."

"Hide,  _no_.”

"Hehe."

-

_Pshaaa…_

Hide opened the sliding door to the shower, a wide area located on the other side of the boys’ bathroom. He desperately needed a shower. A cold, cold shower. He was icky, sweaty, and gross. The bathing vicinity was big enough to fit ten, but the school dictated only two boys in the shower at the same time, with an allotted five minutes time per pair. The regulation was placed to conserve hot water, but it just seemed like a punishment. Consequently, the last couple to go in were subjected to a ice geyser massage. Lucky.

"Hide?" came a small voice from the corner of the room. Kaneki was under the showerhead, shivering and teeth clattering, pale skin turning all shades of blue and purple. He was half naked, the towel from earlier covering his dignity.

He didn’t mean to do it, but he found himself staring at Kaneki. Wet black hair, flattened under the spray, trails of water sliding down his unhealthily colored cheeks to the curve of his shivering lips, and around his pale mouth to his equally pale neck and continuing their descent along his bare chest. The water dribbled down, gliding over stiff brown nipples and vanishing into the crevice of Kaneki’s bellybutton; then, like a reappearing thought, the liquid slid down from the crevice to sink into the towel, disappearing into forbidden territory.

He swallowed an uncomfortable lump.

"W-what," Kaneki’s inquiry broke his train of thought. "Hide? You’re s-s-staring. Ack, it’s so c-c-cold," he gasped and ducked his head under the showerhead, quickly rinsing his hair, water running rivulets over goosebumped skin.

Hide blinked.

A heat traveled from his head to his toes.

He averted his eyes to the wall.

That…was…

"Hide, I’m almost d-d-d - " Kaneki shuddered, teeth chattering, "done! I’m going to c-change."

He felt an airy breeze pass him.

Kaneki was wrapped in a bath towel, skinny, small frame bundled by the cloth. All he saw was his back as he hurried into a bathroom stall, a change of clothes in his arms.

Hide stepped under the shower and stared at the tiled floor, freezing droplets striking his naked body like pin missiles. Stood there, lost in thought, seeing yet unseeing, eyes neither on the rust rimming the drainage nor the streams of cool water slipping under. He rubbed the palms of his wrinkled hands into his eyes and then lifted his head to the ceiling.

Cold jets of water splashed his face.

"What’s wrong with me…"

-

"Just ask her out."

"Yeah. Why not?"

"Suzuya from home economics? She made you a cake for White Day, didn’t she?"

"Guys, I don’t know - "

"Oi, Hide!"

"Yeah?" he answered, stepping into the boys’ sleeping quarter. Futons were laid out on the tatami floor. His classmates were sitting up and huddled in a group, doing what boys going through puberty do: talk about girls. He sneezed loudly, " - Choo!" Wrinkling his nose, he made his way to his futon and sat down. His nose was getting stuffy.  _A cold? Maybe._

"Hide, are you okay?" Kaneki asked. He was pressed up against the wall, sitting cross-legged, The Metamorphosis in hand, dressed in soft patterned pajamas. He looked over the novel at him worriedly.

"Huh? Y-yeah," Hide responded.

Crap, he was staring again.

"The shower was really cold, wasn’t it?"

"Freezing," he said. "You’re not sick, too, are you?"

"I’m fine," Kaneki replied.

"Really?" He leaned over and put his hand on Kaneki’s forehead. His black hair was wet from the shower, skin warm under his touch.

"I’m not sick. I think," Kaneki murmured.

Really warm.

And  _soft._

He drew back quickly, heart hammering in his chest.  _Thump, thump, thump._  The heat of Kaneki’s skin lingering in his palm and dissipating like cloudburst after a sunny day. It was all he could think about. Whether it was in the shower earlier or now, Kaneki just…wouldn’t leave his mind.

"Hide?"

"You’re fine," he gathered himself and managed, flashing Kaneki a smile. "Just a little warm. Drink lots and lots of water just in case."

"Yeah…"

"Oi, Hide! And Kaneki, you too!" one of the boys in the circle hollered. "Come over here and join us! Us boys gotta stick together. You guys can’t just be chummy with each other all the time and forget about everyone else!"

Amid lighthearted chuckles and peer pressure, Hide and Kaneki shared a look and then planted themselves down in an open space.

"Hide, you’re the tallest in our class, aren’t you? You might be even taller than the second years," a chubby boy remarked.

"Really?" he replied. "I’m not that tall, though! I just hit my growth spurt. I think Jin from B4’s taller."

"Lucky you - girls like tall guys! Hey, what type of girls do you like, Hide?"

"Uh…" He scratched his neck. Suddenly, the spotlight was on him. Everyone was looking, but somehow, all he could focus on was Kaneki. His presence, his curious eyes, the anticipation in his tensed posture. Everything combined had him blurting, "I like girls with long hair." And he didn’t know why, but he felt compelled to add, "Black hair. Long black hair."

"Ehh? That’s pretty bland."

"Kaji, you also said the same thing."

"Oh, hehe. On average, guys prefer long hair, after all! Right, Hide?"

Hide grinned, leaning back on his palms and stretching his legs out on the floor.

"What about you, Kaneki?"

"Eh?"

His ears perked up, and he turned to look at Kaneki as the attention shifted, something squeezing his chest tight, and he couldn’t breathe.

Kaneki was blushing. A nervous finger on his cheek, his brown eyes cast to the side abashedly, unable to look at anyone. He was embarrassed, both by the spotlight and the question. “For me? Erm…I guess a book lover. S-someone who likes the same genre as me, so we have something in common. We can just…talk about literature for hours and be content.”

 _That’s just like you, Kaneki_ , he thought. Kaneki glanced at him, and he gave him a wide smile.

But somehow, he couldn’t force it to reach his eyes.

"Heh? So you have someone in mind, Kaneki?"

The question threw the raven off guard, and a dark red blossomed over his face. “N-no!”

"Aww, come on, tell us!"

"You can count on everyone here. We’re gonna keep it a secret. Don’t be shy!"

"I really don’t like anyone!" Kaneki denied, shaking his head.

"Don’t be stingy!"

Hide stood up, pulling the raven with him.

"Hide - "

"Okay, enough," he intervened. "You guys used up all of Kaneki’s daily social gauge, so he’s hit his limit and he’s too tired to socialize. He’s going on a break. See ya when we hit the curfew. Later!" He waved carelessly behind him, dragging Kaneki with him. A disappointed chorus sounded in the sleeping quarter as he and Kaneki made their exit through the sliding door.

They ended up in the dark and silent hallway. Moonlight filtered in the open windows. The cicadas chirped. Humid air hung in the atmosphere. The summer wind blew under their fingertips.

"…Hide."

"Hm?"

"Thank you."

"Anytime, Kaneki."

They sat side by side in silence, shoulders and legs brushing. Excited chatter from the sleeping quarter became the background noise.

After a while, Hide finally broke the peace, “Hey, Kaneki.”

"Hm?"

"Remember our promise four years ago?" he asked, turning his head and meeting Kaneki’s inquisitive eyes. "We said we’d be friends forever." Speaking was like eating lead. His palms were sweating. His knees shaking. He didn’t know if he could do it.

He wanted to be honest. Didn’t want to lie. Not to Kaneki. Wanted to believe that in spite of it all, he would look at him no different than he’d looked at him for four years. Wanted to believe in this friendship, wanted to trust this bond they built. His heart was beating madly. Did he have the courage?

"Yeah." Kaneki nodded. "Of course I remember, Hide." He smiled.

_I have something to tell you._

The words were easy in his imagination, but reality was completely different. It was so completely and undeniably different. He feared it.

He was afraid of being rejected by the very first person he considered his best friend.

Kaneki wouldn’t treat him any different. No, he wouldn’t. 

Friends forever. No matter what. They promised.

He gulped down his anxiety and opened his mouth. “I have something - “

" - to tell you."

_Huh?_

They stared at each other.

"Kaneki…you…what?" he asked dumbly.

"You too?" echoed Kaneki.

"You go first," Nagachika said. He felt dizzy. The cold was catching a hold of him. The anxiety of this situation was definitely only making it worse.

"Actually…" Kaneki started, flustered. "Because I trust you a lot, Hide, I think I can get this off my chest."

 _Thump thump thump thump_ , there went his heart. He could hear it pound in his ears. Like rushing water.

"I…really like…"

_Thump thump thump thump thump thump._

It was racing, faster and faster. The blood traveled from his head to his feet like lava. His insides flipped, heart dropped to his stomach.

Kaneki breathed. “I found someone I really like from the English Literature Club.”

Everything seemed to crash down, like dominoes.

His stammering heart fell and fell and fell.

Almost…he almost...

_Almost ruined everything._

He felt the pain of nails digging deeply into his fists. The strange throb in his chest. Kaneki's body heat. He shifted so that there was distance in between their legs. 

It seemed as if he didn’t have to make a decision. In the end, it was made for him.

“Oh.”

It didn’t matter.

"Hide?"

He missed his chance. That was all.

"I already know, Kaneki. You were always looking at her. You’re so easy to read, hahaha."

"I wasn’t  _that_  obvious…w-was I?!”

_Yeah. You're obvious. Totally obvious._

"Hahaha, Kaneki, good luck, okay? You’re gonna need it!"

It didn’t matter at all.

The summer of that year came silently and left loudly just like a tornado, leaving shambles in its wake.


	3. Autumn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bird breaks free of the egg.

Part 3:

_Fall, fall steady now_

**~*~**

The feel of the paper texture smooth under his index, the embroidery of words, of thousands and thousands of syntax and prose, on the cloth of black and white pages. These words that create worlds of their own, retell histories in vivid detail, evoke cognition, relive the dark corners of isolation, and let him feel for just a moment – for one solid moment, the ghost of something that had long abandoned him.

_Home._

It was a bit foolish.

Yet it seemed all he had; all he could rely on to connect him to his deceased father. How, why, where, when did he die? Those were questions. Surface questions that Kaneki had since pushed to the back of his mind. They weren't important. Thinking about the past wouldn't bring the dead back to life. Wasn't that so? Isolation, neglect, individualism - weren't they all the unavoidable consequences of life? Death was better accepted, and grieving was only a week's break from the suffocating reality.

Even so, no matter how bleak this world was, Kaneki just couldn't bring himself to hate it.

Because when he started doubting himself, there was someone who picked him right back up. Someone who read him more clearly than he could ever a book. Someone who made his day with a simple smile like the way the sun made the night, painting the darkness into bright morning. Someone who meant everything to him in this tragic world.

A boy named Hide.

He approached him, a lone star, and together they became a constellation. Like they were always meant to, like they were undeniable, like the tracts of the planets aligned, something unexplainable, undeniable, fated. A friend. He had never a _friend_. All he had was the scrawls and scripted notes of his father's handwriting on those yellowed novels he left behind and the silence of an empty house. A mother who was warm and gentle but away. A father who lived in his memories, whom he could hardly remember. Those books were the closest to what he could call friends. No one at school would associate with a nerd, _wanted_ to associate with such a bore. And what else was there to do but understand and let go? Because that was who he was, and he couldn't change himself to the world's liking. He was Kaneki Ken, a book lover and an orphan.

Two dreadful mixes, a socially awkward boy and a parentless child.

But that was him in a nutshell, and perhaps it was out of foolishness, some stubborn pride of his, but he chose to live the way he was born. Couldn't change, even if he wanted to. Wouldn't, because he was proud of who he was and who he was meant to be.

And that was how he thought it would be, how it would continue, how life would drag on, until that day.

That day in spring, eight years ago.

_Fwip._

The wind from the open windows, the ripple of the pages, and the memory of that floral afternoon.

_"Actually, I just moved here, so I don't have any friends. That's why I was wondering if…you would like to be my friend?"_

A smile lifted the corners of his lips, and it was something that he couldn't control. It was natural, natural like the burst of dandelions around him.

_"Sure."_

Everything about Hide was bright and cheerful, and that day, he was bigger and brighter than the sun.

That day, it was like...a dream.

When he sat down on the rug in the school library with his father's dogeared literature and novels in hand, the dyed leaves of maple trees falling like colorful rain outside the windows, and he wrapped in a blanket of quiet, he found something like –

A spirit that watched over him as he read and read.

Never saying a word, never approached him, always right in the corner with that peaceful smile on his face, or what Kaneki imagined to be a smiling face. A kind, spectacled face, with wise eyes and a quaint smile. A smile that might have said _I'm proud of you, Ken._

And those wise, all-knowing eyes behind transparent lenses that he distinctly remembered, ones that saw through him as clear as day, and ones that would tell him:

_Keep looking through these weathered pages, my dear son. Heaven is but a resting place for an unforeseeable end._

_Your mother and I...we are both truly sorry. It must be cold, living by your lonesome. Have you found it? The answer to the question. Is it the bird..._

_Or the egg?_

And in his head, Kaneki would reply:

_It's cold from time to time, but mostly it's warm and sunny, because Hide's always with me. I wish you and mom were still here. With me._

_...Is it okay? To wish for something that's...but I'm grateful. I will always be grateful. The sun is with me everyday, and when I look up, you and mom are right there. That's enough for me. It's more than enough._

_It's the bird. The bird breaks out of the egg. Isn't that right...dad?_

-

 

"Kasumi! Move, you're in the way!"

"Tetsuya, get back 'ere! Give back my 3DS, ya son of a - "

"Can you guys _stop throwing your shoes_ around in the hallway?"

"Anna, _move_!"

"Ow! I can't believe – did you just _push_ me?! You boys are all apes and gorillas, rude and obnoxious! I'm going to tell on all of you!"

Kaneki and the rest of the second years ducked as another indoor slipper came flying across the hallway and landed with a _thwak!_ on a boy's face.

"O-ouch!"

"That'll teach you, hmph!"

" _Ohhhhh_ , it is _war_."

A chorus of groans ensued as the hallway descended into a battlefield, shoes being thrown left and right. Kaneki reached his locker quickly and unlocked it, using his backpack as coverage.

"Get off'a me!"

"Can we all just – "

Kaneki jumped as an object whizzed past his head.

"Oh shut up, chairman of the _peacekeeping committee_. Take your world peace shit somewhere else."

After school hours were the worst. Students who were finished with their extracurricular activities, sports, and clubs would come back to their lockers to pack up and leave for the day, resulting in a cluster of people in the hallways each afternoon. Everyone wanted to leave as soon as they could, were frantic and desperate for a break after a day's worth of writing and studying. All tired and frustrated, just like now.

Books, textbooks, gym clothes, sneakers – he snatched those and was about to bend to remove his indoor slippers, when he was pushed into his locker. "Oof," he uttered, face pressed against his books. _Ow, ow, ow..._ he could feel his nose burn. Definitely a bruise.

_Thump!_

"Oops, sorry, 'neki," an apologetic voice next to his ear, and he knew exactly who it was.

"Hide," he hissed, "you're heavy."

"Sorry, sorry, there was a slipper coming at you, soooo. Hey, stop throwing your shoes!" Hide shouted.

Kaneki cringed, rubbing his ears. He couldn't move with Hide's arms on either side of him and his body right behind. Caged, almost.

"Oh look, the pres. Sup, Hide?"

"Sup, Tetsu – I mean, stop it right now! All of you! I'm not going to be responsible for this, okay?" Hide said, and laughter followed.

"What's the student council gonna do, huh?"

"Yeah, what?"

"Tell the teachers on us?"

"Write us detention slips?"

"Oh come on guys, don't be mean. You know the pres doesn't have the authority."

Kaneki felt the secondhand embarrassment radiate from Hide loud and clear. This was what he tried to warn him about, but of course Hide wouldn't listen. He wasn't meant for the role of leadership; it wasn't in his personality. He ended up running for president and somehow won by a landslide.

A teacher finally noticed the obstruction in the hallway, and that was when everyone cleared the floor of haphazard shoes and went on their ways. By then, the damage was already done.

"Hide...you really don't have any authority even though you're the student council president, huh?" Kaneki said, arranging the books in his locker neatly.

"Shthawp it, 'neki," Hide muttered, nuzzling his shoulder from behind.

Kaneki let out a soft laugh. Hide had a habit of using him as some sort of stress reliever. Though, in truth, it was the same for him.

"Everyone's telling me the same thing. I thought it'd be interesting, y'know, to be the council pres, but then I find out it's just an unpaid job that comes with a bonus of zero respect. I want to resign," Hide complained.

"I'm pretty sure you can't resign as the president of our council, Hide. By the way, think I can change my shoes anytime soon?" Kaneki asked, turning around. Hide's arms kept him rooted against his locker. He was warm, a familiar warmth that he had grown accustomed to. It felt kind of...nice.

He was suddenly eye to eye with Hide, the distance between their faces uncomfortably short. "H - ...Hide?" he murmured.

There was a pause, a pregnant silence, and then Hide abruptly backed up with an awkward, "Sorry," and passed him to his locker.

There was something in his brown eyes, an expression that Kaneki had seen before but never knew what it was. Something that had clouded Hide more and more frequently. It worried him. It seemed as if Hide was trying to hide it, but it only ever seemed to come up when Kaneki was around. What was it – the dilation of his pupils, the lowering of his eyelids, the brief furrowing of his brows, and...that look in his eyes.

That expression, it looked like...could it be? But why...what would make Hide, of all people, someone who was always cheery, laidback, someone who was like the sun –

_Sad?_

"Hide," he uttered.

"Yeah?"

"Are you o...kay..." the rest of his question was drowned out by a piece of pink paper fluttering out of Hide's locker. Kaneki stooped down to where it had fallen on the floor, surprised. Pink paper?

"Wait, Kaneki, _don't read it_ \- "

“ _Nagachika-kun, tomorrow I'll be waiting in front of the gym after club activities. Please come! Even if you were to reject me, I don't mind. Just please, don't leave me hanging like the last two times. I just like you... a lot, that's why!”_

_ \- Your Secret Admirer _

A secret admirer. For...Hide? He didn't read it wrong, right?

The paper was snatched from his hand.

"S-sorry, Hide," Kaneki spluttered. His mind was going haywire, trying to process this information. Someone out there had a crush on Hide, but he seemed to have avoided her both times. Who was it, and why wouldn't he go see her? Even if he were to reject her? Above it all, why didn't he...say anything? Hide, his best friend, the one he trusted the most, the one he thought would trust him equally, for him to keep something like this a secret...why?

He swallowed a lump of nausea.

He just read something he should've never read. Something Hide didn't want him to know about. Everything...everything was just wrong, wrong, and wrong.

"Sorry, Hide, I didn't mean to – I just, I just read too quickly. Sorry..." seemed to be the only thing he was capable of saying.

That look again. He was making Hide look like that. Again. Why was he always so...

"Kaneki," Hide was saying, but it was hard to hear him over the sound of his heart, which was pumping so hard he thought he might faint. "Kaneki, oi!"

Hide grabbed him by the shoulders, shook him two times, and that was when he calmed down. Back to earth, back to the feeling of Hide's hands on him. This friendship of theirs, this connection was too precious, much too dear, for him to lose. He always knew, but it was only when these kinds of situations arose that he realized just _how deeply he cared_. So deeply it made him sick.

"Kaneki, you okay? Listen, I really don't care that you read it. It's my bad in the first place, 'cause I didn't want you to worry over it like I knew you were gonna. So that's why I didn't tell you."

He looked up, and Hide's eyes were so sincere. Clear as day. These were the eyes he was used to seeing, not that somber, mysterious expression. This was the Hide he knew. The last person he wanted to hurt.

"Forgive me?"

The cheerful grin he recognized.

"Of course, Hide."

The life-threatening hug that followed right after.

"Thanks, Kaneki."

The voice, the warmth, the body, the heart, the soul. When he thought for a split second the possibility of losing Hide, his world couldn't seem to hold itself up.

He patted Hide's back, smiled into his neck, and felt relieved that he was able to mend this crevice.

On the other hand, Hide seemed to be spiraling endlessly downward into an abyss that he had tried to run from. But now it had captured him.

_I'm sorry, Kaneki. I didn't want you to see it, but then you ended up seeing it anyway. I can't...hold onto this hope anymore...can I?_

-

Kaneki was hiding behind a tree and some bushes surrounding it. When he peeked over, he could see a girl waiting, standing in front of the gym. She looked nervous, but all he could notice was her long black hair. Pretty, definitely taken care of, and down to her waist.

_"I like girls with long hair. Black hair. Long black hair."_

She was perfect for him.

Hide was coming from the direction of the boys' bathroom, zipped up in a dark navy tracksuit. He took off his headphones and put them around his neck, standing an appropriate distance apart from the girl.

"You came! Ah...sorry. Am I a disturbance? S-should I leave?"

"Nah, no worries. Prac starts later."

"Ah. Okay. U-um..."

"So..."

"Um..."

"...So."

Kaneki rolled his eyes. If he were going to reject her anyway, he might as well do it quickly. Just like a clean slice to the neck; the animal wouldn't suffer as much.

Hide said he didn't want him to know about the letter because he didn't want him to worry. But what exactly did he mean by that? He couldn't help but feel like an obstruction, a wall, when things like this occurred. Hide would never let him worry, would rather keep secrets than let him help.

And in turn, he would feel hurt. Couldn't help but feel a little betrayed. After all, what were friends for?

It was perfectly okay – no, better than okay, _great_ , that Hide was getting the recognition he deserved. In fact, Kaneki felt it strange that Hide never brought up the topic. Sure, he talked about girls, but he rarely talked about _girlfriends_. President of the student council and a member of the volleyball team – they weren't titles that just anyone held. Why would there _not_ be secret admirers leaving notes in his locker?

There weren't any, because it turned out Hide didn't let him know. Didn't want him to...feel bad.

That he was more popular than Kaneki? That he had choices and Kaneki couldn't find one? What did any of it _matter_? He was happy for Hide. It wasn't as if he were delirious; he knew that Hide was bound to be more popular. The only possible thing he could worry about was becoming the wall.

"...second year, and my favorite show is the british tv series _Sherlock_ , favorite band is..."

The wall that blocked Hide's road. He didn't want to become the hurdle, even though it seemed like he already was. Hide, who became the student council president and told him it was because he thought it was 'interesting,' and later he found out was a way to stop the bullying. He noticed that as soon as Hide became president, the bullying, mocking, snide gossip decreased. It was the benefits of being associated with a man in power, and Hide knew. Kaneki didn't ask for it, for any of it, but it was given regardless of his desires. Hide, who woke up half an hour earlier just to get to his house so they could go to school together. Hide, who was there for him when no one else was. Hide, who was closer to him than any of his remaining family, who cared for him the way his aunt would never care.

Hide, Hide, Hide. _You have to be the bird that breaks free of the egg._

Because...

_The egg is the world. If I'm the world, then break me open, Hide. I don't want to tie you down anymore._

"...go out with me?"

Maple leaves were falling, falling, and landing now, into a river of red on the concrete. The airy breeze, the feel of the almost cold temperature, the dark sky – it was undeniably autumn.

Looking up, he could only see the shadow of the sun behind grey clouds.

"Sure."

"R-really?"

"You're cute, Hyouka-chan! So from now on...please treat me well? Haha."

"T-then may I call you Hideyoshi-kun?"

"Yeah, I don't mind."

Life was about growing up and discovering new things. Perhaps they had both grown up, even if just a little? Because if it hurt the way it hurt for Kaneki, then that meant he had lost something along the way. Just a piece of their friendship. But losing a piece was better than losing everything, right? In order to gain, there must be a loss. Was _this_ what he had to lose?

"Can we...walk home together?"

"Err, volleyball lasts an hour or something, so, I guess if – "

"Please take your time! I'll be in the library waiting."

"Library, huh?"

"Is something wrong?"

"Nah, _it's just_...don't worry about it."

When Kaneki walked home that autumn day, it was the first time in years he walked home alone.

-

"Yuuichi."

_Knock. Knock._

"Yuuichi, open the door. Right this instant."

_Knock knock knock._

"Yuuichi! How dare you ignore your mother! Open it, now!"

"Okay, mom, geez."

_Creeeak._

"How late do you think it is? And you still haven't washed your face? Are you playing those videogames of yours again, huh? Are you? You dare to play them even when you're in danger of failing almost two classes? Huh, Yuuichi?!"

"Ow, ow, ow, mom!"

"Do you realize how much of a disgrace you are? To think that you can't even perform better than _that woman's son_."

"Mom, he's right next door."

" _And?_ "

How long had it been?

A few days, a couple of weeks, finally – almost a month, now.

The quiet was suffocating.

This morning he saw Hide, but he was surrounded by council members as usual. They exchanged a brief "Sup, Kaneki" and a "Morning, Hide." The student council was ushered into a meeting discussing fall events, and Kaneki went to class by himself. The lunch get-together up on the rooftop became the noon lunch spent in the library alone. He appreciated the colors of the maple leaves. When they fell into an array of red shades, he pointed them out as if Hide was beside him. And realized how foolish he was, a second later.

The after school walk home used to be filled with comfort and laughter, just between Hide and him. Passing the riverbank nostalgic of their childish little promise, talking about nothing and everything, simply enjoying each other's company. Now it was either a walk home with a group of people he didn't know (friends of Hyouka-chan, Hide's girlfriend), or a walk home by his lonesome.

There wasn't a bone in his body that knew how to socialize with people who didn't share his interests, so it was only natural that he chose the latter. He tried not to think about it too much. If he did, he was afraid of what he would find, deep inside him. Maybe he would see Hide's back, like what he'd been seeing for the past month. Maybe he would see something else. He was simply...afraid of the unknown growing in the depths of his mind.

Hide would text him, concerned.

He would reply, act like nothing was wrong, and encourage him to go on without him.

It seemed like those were the only times they contacted each other.

But what exactly...was he expecting?

-

"Hide?"

"Kane..ki?"

They bumped into each other on their way out of the school library. And it felt like forever since the last time they've met, although it might've been only a few hours. But when they didn't talk, _really_ talk, for so long, it was impossible not to feel the distance.

"Kaneki! It's really you!" Hide jumped on him, hugging him extra tight.

He missed this; he missed this _so much_. This warmth, these arms, the cheerful grin. It was difficult to say anything when he was getting the breath squeezed out of him, but he didn't mind. It was almost shameful how much he truly didn't mind.

"Hide, I can't - ... _breathe!_ " he gasped.

"Ka - ne - ki!" Hide only squeezed him harder, and it was embarrassing, ridiculously embarrassing, because everyone was watching. Plus, they already greeted each other in the morning. They were silly.

And he didn't mind that, either.

"Hide, I'm really about to die here," he managed somehow, and the blonde finally let go.

"Jeez, I feel like it's the first time we've met in years, huh, 'neki?" Hide said, patting him down.

"I haven't seen you at all lately," he agreed. "It seems like you're always busy with the council or Hyouka-chan. Is everything okay?"

There was a flicker of something in Hide's expression, and he noticed his gaze had moved from his eyes to...his neck? Huh. Kaneki reached to wipe it with his hand. "Something on me?" he asked. Well, he didn't really _feel_ anything.

"Just...a bug," replied Hide.

"I honestly don't think there's a bug, Hi - " he stopped, as Hide brushed his index gingerly across his eyelashes.

"Random hair, then."

Kaneki blinked. He wasn't staring at his eyelashes though...was he deliberately trying to confuse him? "Hide, you're weird," he remarked.

The student council pres laughed, arms behind his head. "Ya think so?"

Kaneki smiled. There was the Hide he knew, goofy and nonchalant the way he was, and the way he should. He was prepped mentally to ask Hide out to lunch on a weekend, to Big Girl's, probably, but his confidence was mashed as soon as he saw her.

Hyouka-chan.

She was leaving the library with a bag of books in hand.

He greeted her shyly, and she returned the greeting just as demurely. Perhaps it was just plain, sour luck, but for the second time, he saw something he was probably never meant to see.

A reddish purple mark on the bottom of her neck just above her collarbone, when she bowed politely in greeting.

"Sorry, 'neki, I have to go with Hyouka to pick up something from the bakery. I'll text you, okay?" Hide waved at him.

"Okay," he answered, and watched as they turned their backs, leaving him alone in the schoolyard. Subconsciously, he had grown used to the solitude.

Perhaps they've been friends, had been nothing but friends since children, that he never thought of Hide that way. But now, it was clear, wasn't it?

Hide was a guy, too. He was supposed to be interested in things like sex and stuff. The hickey on Hyouka-chan's neck was evidence.

It really shouldn't be surprising, but somehow it was, and he honestly didn't know why he felt so... _down_?

-

 

_Kaneki, sorry, can't make it to the BG today. Coach called us in for last min prac argh_

_Sorry, can't come to the buffet. Student council BS_

_Sorry. can't make it, event planning_

_Sorry, hyouka-chan's making me go do something_

_Sorry, girlfriend's waiting_

_Sorry._

_Sorry._

_Sorry._

Kaneki found it rare nowadays to receive one message that didn't have 'sorry' written all over. He grew accustomed to typing "It's okay, Hide. I know you're busy. Work hard, all right?"

Silence, and stale food that his aunt made, with all the things he didn't like on the plates. Nothing seemed to be the same as it once were. But that was...his own fault, right?

He pushed Hide away, because he thought that was the only way he could help. But that was okay, because Hide seemed to be enjoying himself. That was all he wanted, really. So it was okay. It was fine.

"It's okay...right, mom?" he asked the photo of his mother. In the picture frame, she was giving him a gentle smile.

After all, he was the only one hurt.

-

 

_Bzz._

A new message. Hide didn't need to open it to know what it said or who sent it. Probably something mellow and sweet, something that Kaneki would say.

"Ah, _Hideyoshi-kun_."

Though, in this situation, it probably would have been rude if he were to stop and look at his phone.

"Hideyoshi-kun, it feels...good."

_"Hide, can you...harder?"_

With the lights out and the curtains closed, the room was black. Perfect for a mind ready to deceive and to be deceived.

Because in the darkness, his partner couldn't see him, and he couldn't see his partner. All he needed to do was envision Kaneki, in his whole, pale skinned glory, scrawny body, and shy demeanor. The blush that would take over his face, show up clearly because of his fair skin, the heavy lidded gaze cast off to the side in embarrassment, the shaky tone in his voice, his breathy little gasps, desperate mewls of _Hide, Hide, please, faster, I - I'm c - cu_ \- it was more than enough to just –

_"Hide, faster, nngh...!"_

"'Neki," he breathed, thrusting in and out of that pale body, legs wrapped around his neck, taking him in deep, so deep.

"Hideyoshi-kun, did you say...something?"

He muttered something akin to a 'no,' while his mind took off someplace else, away from this girl that he didn't care for. Into the arms of the boy he truly loved.

Why was it that it only existed in his imagination?

_Look at me, Kaneki. Just, for a second, don't look away. Look, really look at me. Instead of a friend...more? More than a friend? What am I...to you? Hey, Kaneki..._

-

 

Two months.

They hadn't talked for two months.

In mid November, the maple trees were in full bloom. It was red, brown, orange all over the streets of Tokyo. But for Kaneki, the world didn't seem as colorful as it once was. Today was...his mother's death anniversary. She had passed away three years ago. Overworked, took her last breath in the hospital. He was just starting junior high. Now he lived with his aunt, who seemed to detest him right off the bat, because he reminded him of her deceased sister. He didn't blame her; she took care of him in her own way, and that was more than enough.

He was coming back from the graveyard where his mother rested. The wind was bitter and carried with it the smell of winter. All around him was monochrome. Black and white, bright and dark colors; everything melted into this colorless world. He put his hands in his jacket pockets. It was a bit chilly.

_"Good afternoon, mom. It's a little cold today, isn't it?"_

He was passing the bakery, and then the bouquet store that he had bought white lilies from.

_"Here, I bought you these lilies that you loved. They're from the bouquet store that you used to go to, so I hope you like them. It took me a while to pick out the lively ones. I'm still learning, haha."_

The evening sky was dark. He should be more careful, since news had been reporting ghoul attacks more often. There were more and more police around lately; he saw them in cars, in front of stores, accompanying young girls across shady areas.

_"It seems that Tokyo is becoming steadily more dangerous, but I'll be fine. So don't worry about me. School is going well, and, ah, Hide is also doing well. He's a council pres now! And he also got a girlfriend. Her name's Hyouka-chan. Cute, right? We're just...growing up, I guess."_

_Ding!_

"Have a good day, sir!"

_"Growing up makes everyone lonely, doesn't it?"_

"You forgot your change, kiddo!"

"Thanks, man!"

Kaneki paused in front of the green stoplight. That voice was...

"Kaneki?"

He turned around, and there, Hide was walking over to him. He was wearing a hoodie and sweats, headphones snug over his head. In his arms was a bouquet of violets and white roses. He looked the same as always, but they hadn't met up in so long, and - _thump thump thump_ , his heart wouldn't, couldn't calm down.

"Hide," he uttered, and there was something stuck in his throat. "You - ..."

"Sorry, too late?" Hide asked.

He gulped down the uncomfortable lump. Hide was right in front of him now. "Late?" he echoed.

"November fifteenth, the anniversary of your mom."

The death anniversary...that was right. He and Hide had never failed to visit the graveyard on this day. For three consecutive years, they would pay his mother respect. Together, at the same time, a tradition just like their promised friendship. Until this year.

"Shit, 'neki, I'm not late, am I?" Hide sounded frantic. "I texted you, but you never replied. Something happen?"

"N-no," he stuttered. "No, I'm just..." _Surprised_. But he bit that back. What was this? This unsettled feeling in his heart. He was happy, definitely happy, to see Hide, but at the same time -

"I didn't bring it with me. I just...wasn't..." he trailed off.

"...Expecting any messages," Hide finished.

There was silence, a tension in the air, as they stood rooted to their spots in the middle of the sidewalk. People passed by, but all they saw was each other.

There. There was that look in Hide's eyes again. That expression. He was causing Hide to make that expression again. _Why?_

All he knew was that his chest hurt. A lot.

Amidst the busy street of Tokyo, Hide dropped the bouquet of violets and white roses on the concrete. With a dull thud, they scattered all over the crimson floor, mixing in with the maple leaves of the solemn fall.

"Wait, those flowers!" Kaneki cried, but it was too late, and suddenly, he was surrounded by Hide. Wrapped up in his arms, the familiar body heat warming him up against the autumn wind. "Hide?" he whispered, afraid to break the glass cover of this tender moment. People watched, stared, and pointed.

Hide burrowed into his neck and hugged him tightly and desperately; as if he let go, Kaneki would disappear.

"Hide, we're in the middle of Tokyo," he said. He was squeezed even harder. He breathed in the smell of roses, violets, mixing with the scent of vanilla and patted the back of Hide's head. Nostalgic. Familiar.

There was a sniffle.

Kaneki's eyes widened. "Hide...are you crying?"

"I'm sorry, 'neki. I don't want to do this anymore," Hide replied, voice weak and shaky. "I'm sorry."

_Sorry._

_Sorry._

_Sorry._

“What are you talking about?” Kaneki asked softly.

“Sorry, Kaneki, I'm really, really, really sorry.”

_I couldn't keep my promises, and I made you suffer all this time._

They stood in the middle of Tokyo, caught in each other's arms, with Hide sniffling and Kaneki trying to hold back a smile.

"Hide, it's fine. You don't need to say sorry anymore. Let's just go see my mom, okay?"

"...Okay."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Send ❤❤❤ to Ren. Bless.](http://calpii.tumblr.com/post/105324914062/for-haiseption-congratulations-on)


	4. Winter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spoilers for TG manga up to maybe TG:RE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks jamio for checking over first part  
> thanks hidekanesupportgroup for being support group  
> thank mari also it was a great deal but i have failed *lies down*

**Dandelion’s Promise**

Part 4:

_Winter, forget me slowly._

**~*~**

 

The jingle bells ringing, the bright glittering lights adorning the green trees, lining the snowy streets, and the joyous chatter all around the big, brilliant city of Tokyo. 

 

All around him were families, friends, and couples. He was surrounded by people. 

 

It was bright. Cheerful.

 

People holding hands, walking together, sharing the midnight view, hugging. Shifting closer step by step, arm in arm, smiling, laughing, kissing, enjoying Christmas Eve.

 

He was surrounded by people.

 

He supposed, maybe, he should be smiling.

 

Yet...

 

"I know, mom," he said. The cellphone was pressed against his ear, and he could hear her worried voice, warm and familiar in the cold streets of the vibrant metropolis. Her presence was all that was warm, but the emptiness hung in the air still, weighing his heart down. She was lingering ember, but she wasn't the hearth that lit up home – _his_ home. 

 

He had given away that portion of his heart to someone else. 

 

 _"...Such a dangerous city, and you two have me anxious all day long. Make sure you wear thick coats to pass the winter. Tell Kaneki-chan the same. I don't want you boys to get sick, especially now that your father and I moved back to the countryside. Don't be cold, and come visit us time to time, Hide. Mama wants to see cute little Kaneki-chan."_ She giggled.

 

Hide cracked a small smile at that, walking down the alleyway of the crowded roadside, gloved hand in the pocket of his wool jacket. He pouted, as if she were in front of him. "So you prefer Kaneki over me, your biological son?"

 

_"Well, I'd like to think Kan-chan as my second biological son, so how about that?"_

 

"Mooom!"

 

_"Oh shush. You think I don't know my own biological son, hmm?"_

 

Hide froze.

 

He stood stock-still, looking down at the snow-covered concrete with blank eyes. His blonde locks fluttered, while his body was like a statue. Mind going _what, why, when, how does she know -_

 

_"Hide...I know. You don't have to keep secrets from me. I am your mother, after all. And what kind of mother would I be if I can't figure out who the most important person of my son is?"_

 

"Nee, let's go see the Christmas tree. I heard it's the biggest one, next to the mall."

 

"Haha, sounds like a good idea, Ayumi. Should I get you the necklace you always wanted?"

 

_"Have you told him yet?"_

 

Hide's eyes widened, heartbeat lurching at the idea, and he felt lightheaded for a moment. "Don't – ...mom, please don't...say anything..." he whispered, head hung over, shoulders hunched and figure tensed. This was bad. He couldn’t think properly. Calmly. Logically. All that was running through was disconnected thoughts.

 

The icy wind blew past him, and a shiver ran through his pores. It was cold. 

 

So cold.

 

"Oh, I love you so much, Ken-kun."

 

Ken –

 

He whipped around, turning toward to that voice automatically. 

 

The mind is great, intelligent. It separates man from all other animals. 

 

He saw a man in his late twenties and his girlfriend, a regular couple. They strolled down the concrete, smiling and faces reddening, gazes soft as the Christmas lights twinkled around them. A romantic outing.

 

The heart is man's downfall, and the same time, his greatest treasure.

 

_"I understand, Hide. Leaving that aside, I want to you both to visit us at Yagata Prefecture. We haven't seen you for over a year now, ever since the first year of university. I hope you're not starving and feeding on those unhealthy instant noodles that you college boys like so much. Come by during break and have a good healthy week's stuffing. Both of you."_

 

"Yeah, we'll come by," Hide replied, crossing the street to the roadside fenced by a railing. Across, the dark blue water rippled in the sea. "Don't worry about us so much. Kaneki and me, we're doing the best we can. And also, it's the college motto to live as cheaply as you can, you know? It's not like any of us broke kids have the means to afford fancy non-convenience store meals, mom."

 

_"You've been eating convenience store meals?!"_

 

Hide winced. He knew it was a good idea to hold the phone away from his ear. 

 

Something – a piece of paper, he noticed – came flying by, past him, into the sea, suspended in air. The wind pushed it into the ocean, and it fluttered like a helpless butterfly against the force of nature. White drifts of snow fell slowly, making their way downward to melt into Hide's hair and the pavement under his sneakers. 

 

Under the illumination of the streetlight, he caught the words – _college student missing_. 

 

A lump in his throat. It was suddenly hard to breathe. "Mom, I gotta go. I'll talk to you next time, okay? Love you," Hide said and promptly ended the call.

 

He ran over to the railing, eyes tracing the silhouette of the paper in the distance. It vanished, and he watched until its outline sank into the dark waters. It was snowing so innocently, so quietly, so obscenely normally in this silent world.

 

His hands clenched the railings. 

 

"Just where in the world are you, Kaneki?" he asked the cold sea. It answered back in rhythms of waves. He slumped down until his forehead rested on the iron rail. Suddenly, his strength felt drained.  "I can't see the light when I'm not with you...y'know? I'm worried sick, constantly anxious, don't know if you're dead or alive. If you're safe, if you're eating right. I don't know anything.”

 

** College student missing. Kaneki Ken, Male, Age 18. Black hair, brown eyes, last seen… **

** Please call 623-531-0392 and notify police **

 

It had been months. He had held himself together the best he could. Had tried to be strong.

 

But to _what extent_? Just _when_ would he see him again? For _what?_

 

“So - don't...” He could see the waves beneath, and briefly he thought about what it would feel to be deep undersea, floating endlessly. “Don't leave me _behind_ like this..."

-

-

“When we consider the buildup of a person’s attitude and behavior, we look at both the environmental and inherited influences of developmental psychology. Take a moment and think about why we’re so different despite sharing similar genetic makeup.”

The class of sixty remained silent. A balding man in his late fifties – the professor – continued the lecture, accustomed to the lack of response. He pulled down the wall monitor, which displayed a picture of the human brain. “Right here is the frontal lobe. This part of the brain controls cognitive functions.”

In the furthest row to the back of the lecture hall sat Hide. He had his laptop open, eyes focused intensely on the satellite view of Tokyo on a tab. The black of his irises reflected the blue light of the computer screen as he kept watch on a particular movement on the map. A red dot. The blinking particle traveled down a neighborhood of clustered houses, and he stalked its track just like a lion after its prey. He zoomed in on the map until he could see the slope of the street and the stoplights that the bugged vehicle crossed, like he was right there, traveling with his target.

“We are different, because we grew up differently. For example, if I ask you what love is, how many answers would I get in return?”

“Sixty,” someone answered.

_Bzz. Bzz._

Hide looked down at his phone.

“Maybe sixty,” the professor intoned. “Maybe a hundred. Why? Because each and every one of us views the concept of love in variable perceptions. Some consider a simple chemical reaction. Others think of it as a natural phenomenon, an enigma untouched by science. And still, there may be people who think it as something wholly delusional – a sequence of humanity’s desire for the paranormal.”

 **Mr. M [14:02]:** We’re following the track. Coming, Nagachika?

The red dot had stopped moving on the screen, and Hide hurriedly typed a sound message back, heartbeats jumping one mile per second.

_ I’ll be right there, please wait!!! >< _

He closed the lid over the laptop and stuffed it into his backpack, simultaneously grabbing the headphones off the table and flinging them around his neck. His neighbors glanced at him when he stood up abruptly. Class had begun barely fifteen minutes ago.

The professor’s gaze rested on him for a moment. The look was neither judgmental nor critical, but it was unnerving nonetheless. “What do you think, Nagachika-      kun? About the concept of love, that is.”

All eyes swiveled around to look up at the back row to find him. Damn, he was just about to leave, too.

Hide paused in front of the door and turned sideways. The concept of love…huh?

He always thought of it as something mysterious. An enigma. One that he couldn’t control. Might have lived half of his life trying to control this monster. Something he couldn’t figure out or deny the existence of. An unsolvable mystery.

But what would he say? What would that special person of his say? _Kaneki – what would Kaneki say?_

His knuckles turned white and hands clenched into trembling fists by his sides, and the indents of his fingernails dug into his skin, almost drawing blood – so close to drawing blood. He managed a grim smile. He was so helpless.

He scratched his cheek. “I’m sorry, professor. I don’t have a good answer, because I don’t understand it very well, myself.”

And then he left, because he couldn’t carry on living a life of a regular college student when he knew that somewhere out there, at this very moment, his best friend was about to die.

-

-

The eve of the execution of the one-eyed owl at Anteiku, all of the CCG soldiers were told to write their wills. Investigators, assistants, everyone.

 

"Just put down some nonsense, or even leave it blank," one of the investigators had said, and the advice was followed by murmurs of guilty concurrence by his peers, who were spread out in the room, pensive. "You're not gonna be in the top line, anyway. Don't think too much about it. It's just standard procedure for a SSS rated case."

 

Special Class Marude Itsuki had his hands folded. Hide sensed the solemnity to his pores, the nonstop shifting of feet, restless, the sweats dotting tensed brows, anxious, and the taut lines of each and every mouth. Standard procedure, they called it.

 

He couldn't help but think of the uncanny resemblance between the will and a suicide letter. They were willingly putting their lives for this mission. Even mentally preparing themselves to part with their loved ones. Some had already penned out their will - _I've been a horrible son, and this horrible son will apologize for leaving his lonely mother_. Or those who would be leaving behind a wife and newborn - _Tell Harumi that daddy loves her and he wants her to grow up happy and smiling, safe from ghouls_. And one of the few women investigators - _I won't die. I have a cat to come back to._

 

"What will you do with this testament?" Marude asked.

 

Was there ever a choice in the first place? Ninteen years were just barely enough time to enjoy the mysteries of this entity called "life." Those years that flew past, those times that he laughed, cried, and lived. Those innocent days he spent with Kaneki as they grew up into adults, spring to summer, fall to winter. Changing, growing distant, then coming back together, and now separated.

 

_“I hope we can be friends forever, Kaneki.”_

 

He wondered if that was just something children said.

 

_“There’s this old folklore…if you wished on a dandelion and blew out its seeds…”_

 

Maybe they were all meant to end at one point. Time flew past, like the fluffs of the white dandelions that had now turned into snow. It seemed as if they were always chasing that evasive entity.

 

He reached out for the parchment. 

 

There might have been a choice.

 

"I'll write it."

 

Only nineteen. Kaneki was nineteen. They were both so young. They could have had a lot more opportunities. They had a future. They had dreams. They had promises to keep. But -

 

They weren't meant for that future.

 

He took hours deciding what to write on that testament. He played acrobatics with the pen on his upper lip, twirling it round and round with his index, as the night broke into morning. And then, it was obvious.

-

-

The city of Tokyo was dark and pelted by rain.

 

The investigators were in full gear, suitcases and gas masks on, ready for war. It seemed ironic that the target location was a quaint coffeeshop. The CCG covered the surrounding in numbers, dressed in black to camouflage with the darkness. The air was thick with tension. 

 

"I hope they're okay," Hide whispered to himself. He thought no one would hear him, but Marude turned toward him and patted his shoulder. 

 

"We only do what we can," he said. "If your friend's in there, we'll try our best to save him. Stay here and don't do anything unnecessary."

 

"Marude-san..." It was if anything, a white lie designed to help him breathe. Hide was aware that the anxiety showed on his face. That he was frowning instead of smiling carefree, that his fists were clenched tightly in his jacket pockets. That he couldn't stop his mind from running wild with images of a Kaneki covered in blood. Kaneki lying motionless on a bed of flowers. Kaneki in red, Kaneki in pain, Kaneki in torment.

 

The tall man smiled grimly. "I can't make promises. But I'll have you know, you have great potential, Nagachika. It was a pleasure working with you."

 

"Marude-san, thanks, but...it seems like you're expecting me to die tonight, haha."

 

"Maybe I am."

 

"Eh?!"

 

Marude took out a lighter and lit the cigarette in his hand. The clock docked a minute past six, and, finally, silhouettes appeared on the doorstep of the Anteiku Cafe. He dropped the cig and grabbed his suitcase. "They're here."

 

As the CCG engaged in battle with the ghouls, Hide slipped quietly away into the night. 

-

-

_We only do what we can._

 

_Stay here and don't do anything unnecessary._

 

Beep. Beep. Beep.

 

Hide woke up on a hospital bed with a numbness buzzing in his body. His eyes moved to the window on the left. On the panes, snowflakes brushed and melted, vanishing into the glass as if they were phantoms of a lost memory. 

 

The snow outside was piles high, and the white hanging on the leaves of hollow cherry-blossom trees reminded Hide of him. The white ice flakes that had spread over this city were figments no matter where he looked. 

 

No matter where he looked. 

 

"You didn't hold back, huh, 'neki." 

 

He turned his eyes to the bandages wrapping around his arm – or what _used_ to be his arm. After eighteen years of having both arms, losing one of them was...admittedly, _empty_? It felt lighter. Unbalanced. One side heavier than the other. The lost limb airy and unreal; as if he looked a third time, it would materialize and become his flesh again. Like it was never gone.

 

It was shocking.

 

How surreal. He never imagined he'd become like this, like some sort of protagonist from those tragedies that Kaneki always talked about. Well, no one really foresees a future where they lose their arm, anyway. 

 

Especially a future where _they're_ the one cutting it off.

 

He winced, the urge to vomit surging up his throat, and it tasted like the smell of his dismembered limb. He swallowed it back down. "Uck."

 

Now all was left was a stump at the protruding end of his shoulders reaching to form the missing arm. It was covered round and round in bandages, padded enough that he wouldn't see the gore of his own amputation. He shuddered, not from the pain, for it was numbed, but from the memory of the incident.

 

_“Is that in style these days? That mask of yours.”_

 

_“H – Hide…?”_

 

He stared at the blood threatening to seep through the wrapped bandages. The dark tunnel, water streaming underground, and the figure slumped on the ground. He could see it. 

 

_“That’s weird…Hide…I’m imagining things.”_

 

_“You’re not. I’m here. Look, I’m really here, right? Kaneki?”_

 

_“Hide, it’s dangerous, run, please leave, get away. You have to – run!”_

 

He closed his eyes as a small smile lifted the corners of his lips. His arm was throbbing.

 

_“You’re pushing me away again, Kaneki. Even back then, you were always going off on your own, keeping everything to yourself. That hurts, y’know... I always pretended that I didn’t notice. Maybe I’m just selfish. I didn’t want to lose you. I never want to lose you.”_

 

_“Hide, I can’t – I’m sorry, I’m losing control, you have to go, please, please, please, I can’t hold it back! Please, don’t make me do this, mother - hck - Hide - ugh...run.”_

 

_“Sorry, Kaneki. I can’t leave you here like this. I’m selfish, remember?”_

 

"Were you able to fight at full strength?" the question left his mouth, subconsciously. 

 

-

-

“Our birth is but a dream and a forgetting:

The Soul that rises with us, our life’s Star,

Hath had elsewhere its setting,

And cometh from afar.”

 

He was powerful. It was his presence that exuded his prowess. Whether it was his height, which towered over the average person,  the lean physique that foretold his strength, or the low, pleasant breath of his voice that embodied a strange tenderness (but that could be due to the nature of the poem he was reciting), he was strong. Unfairly strong.

 

If Kaneki had encountered this man -

 

Hide dropped the thought. He followed the tall, fathomless man as he traversed from the ground floor of the CCG building into the elevator. And then they were riding up, seeing Tokyo laid out under their feet and the grey sky above them through the transparent glass. The rhythm of the poem flowed in his mind. _Our birth is but a dream and a forgetting._

 

Arima Kishou. He was an enigma - unreadable, and undefeatable. His impassive eyes, the unfeeling sweep of his glance, and his mysteriously collected demeanor made the hairs on the back of Hide’s neck stand on end.

 

“Do you know it?”

 

Hide shifted his feet. His amputated arm was starting to sting; he needed to take another morphine pill. It was nearing two weeks since the execution plan, and he was getting used to having a severed arm. Not that it was any less shocking, but it was getting easier. CCG was notified of his injury and had given him time to recuperate until he was permitted temporary leave by the hospital. Today, they called him, and here he was, in an elevator with the _highest ranking ghoul investigator_.

 

As he expected, he couldn’t figure this man out at all. “I don’t really like poems,” he said. “I’m more of a novel guy, y’see. But...if you ask my friend, he’d tell you who it is right away.”

 

Arima nodded, lenses gleaming under the silhouette of the setting sun. “So he reads Wordsworth, too.”

 

“He reads everything. He’s also a big-time fan of Takatsuki Sen and _The Black Goat’s Egg_.”And he had to stop there, because his voice was shaking. He clenched his jaw.

 

“...”

 

The gold of the morning star climbed down Arima’s back as it descended into twilight, and he glowed. Immaculate like an untouched amethyst in the pits of the darkest cavern. He was alone, passive, but his figure was scintillating, alight by the sunset rays.

 

Hide felt a consuming, heavy weight in his body. It curled, churned, and burned. It was abominable, vile, ugly, and he couldn’t do anything but let this contemptuous darkness infest. He knew what it was. It was just - this was the first time he felt it this _strongly_.

 

Because, if this man were the one who took down Kaneki, Kaneki would definitely find him...

 

 

The elevator stopped. Hide met Arima’s apathetic gaze and held it for a number of minutes.

 

“Do you want to see him? Your friend.”

 

Hide’s eyes widened. _Kaneki._

-

-

 

There was a time where Kaneki wouldn’t say more than two words to him. Would text him back and leave the conversation high and dry as if he were cutting it short on purpose. Then, he’d show up to school the next day by his lonesome with a stubborn, docile smile like he knew that that was Hide wanted. _I don’t want you and Hyouka-chan to think I’m a nuisance. I mean, you’d do the same, right, Hide? If I were to, um, you know, get a girlfriend too. I just want you to be happy, even if it’s just a little..._

 

He didn’t want to ruin that friendship of theirs, so just like a coward, he would bite the disgusting truth and grin like an idiot  in response. _Com’on, ‘neki, stop with that already! Do you really think you’re a third wheel? We’ve been friends since - what, forever! But, if you really don’t want to, I can’t stop you, so...even if I want to...I can’t force you to stay with me._

 

There was a time where he and Kaneki barely saw each other.  It had happened a few years ago, when they were still in high school. A time that he would beat himself up everyday wondering why he did all those stupid, unnecessary things that only hurt the people he cared about. Those teenage years passed just like the change of maple leaves.

 

But now, the hopelessness from that time merely paled in comparison to the wretchedness weighing his heart. It all seemed so trivial and childish.

 

“Kane...ki.”

 

It was trivial. Why did something like that come between their friendship?

 

“Kaneki!” the name parted his lips like a daring whisper, and he was shaking, irises moving rapidly in their sockets.

 

Something like relief washed over him, while something like despair shot him through the chest. _He's okay, he's alive, he's not dead, he's not dead, thank god._ He was all right, just separated from him by a glass case, just a little beyond his reach. But he could see him.

 

He could see Kaneki's hair, light and fluttering in the vessel, his masked face, and his body - naked and bare like the day he was born - trapped in the liquified glass. His eyes, closed, dark lashes against his skin shutting him off from the world. Various machines and lines extended from the back of the glass vessel, and Hide allowed his emotions to run like the torrent it was, set it free because he couldn't hold it back anymore. Kaneki was saved by RC being pumped into his bloodstream.

 

Hide pressed his face on the glass, hand clenching and unclenching on the window, his left arm throbbing and so very raw like a fresh wound, and somehow all he could manage was a weak, "Kane - ki...Kaneki...I'm so - hck - glad you're _alive_. I'm so...glad. I..." 

 

_don't know what I would do without you._

 

It was the first time in a while that he’d cried.

 

And cried and cried, because he had found Kaneki, finally, and he couldn't hold him like every fiber of his body wanted to. He was outside looking in, simply an outsider who couldn’t help his best friend.

 

_Kaneki. Whether you’re a ghoul or a human, none of it matters to me. I don’t care. Just don’t shut me out. It hurts. It really hurts._

 

Arima watched wordlessly.

 

He imagined the feeling of having someone dear to him, of something wistful that he treasured, and the faded memory of _Jack_ appeared in his mind.

 

Ah. He might have had something like that, once.

 

But treasures were meant to be destroyed. A dream and forgetting.

 

They would soon be forgotten. As if they never existed.

-

-

"How does it feel?" the nurse asked. She was his primary caretaker during the hospital stay. Her scrunched brows made her look constantly worried, but Hide could feel the genuine concern come from her. It made him slightly more at ease.

 

"I think I'm okay, thanks, Yanno-san," he replied. It was true; his arm was healing, albeit slowly.

 

"That's good. Don't overexert yourself, Hideyoshi-kun."

 

"Ahaha, I'll try not to, Ya - ow, ow, ow! It _hurtssss!_ "

 

"Oh my, what did I just say - lay back down!"

 

"Oh crap, crap, OW."

 

"Nagachika Hideyoshi."

 

Hide turned to look at the door, expression quickly morphing into seriousness.

 

"Sorry to disrupt your recuperation, but CCG requests your assistance. Are you fit to go?" It was a team of ghoul investigators bearing suitcases and a white-haired woman in the center. She was one of the late investigators' daughter, from what he knew. Her gaze was passive, but he sensed her keen observation. He was being detected even as he laid there, from the very moment she stepped into the hospital room. He was transparent to her, and it was unnerving.

 

"Did you know he was a ghoul?" the female investigator asked. They were the only two walking through the fourth lower level of the building.

 

"...Yeah," Hide admitted.

 

Mado Akira glanced at him. She was the one who guided him to the underground of the CCG building where the ghouls were imprisoned. He knew that she was relatively high ranked, considering that this job was only assigned to the senior members of the CCG.

 

"You must be really close." The shadow of a smile graced the corners of her lips. She looked at him, and this time the glance was meaningful. "I don't know anyone who would be willing to go through the same lengths as you." Her gaze was on his bandaged arm. There was a flicker of something in her eyes. Her hand twitched, and Hide caught the movement.

 

She was imagining herself in his situation. Imagining how she would sacrifice her arm for someone important to her. Imagining how easy it would be to abandon herself for that person.

 

A split second later, she faced forward again. _A human offering himself to a ghoul._ How absurd.

 

"We're best friends," Hide said, simply.

 

Absolutely beyond her comprehension.

 

Ridiculous. She scoffed. "Your ghoul killed people and ate his own kind. Yet you still stand by him. Give me a thousand years, and I still won't understand you."

 

Hide stopped walking, and his footsteps ceased on the stone floor. He could feel a heat swell over him, a pounding in his head, and an anger that he had always kept inside boil to the top. "...He doesn't have a choice,'" the growl ripped from his throat. He was so tired of hearing these people condemn Kaneki as if he were some sort of a monster.

 

_The Centipede is a half-kakuja. SS ranked and soon to transcend its level, highly dangerous._

 

_Confine him in the ghoul prison._

 

_If anyone steps into the prison unsupervised, we won't be able to guarantee your safety. Remember that even though the Centipede is a half human, his ghoul is the prominent beast. Steer clear or you'll get eaten._

 

Humans and ghouls - one ate the other, and the other killed in retaliation. What was the difference? Why did they have to make it seem as though Kaneki was some monster that only knew how to prey on humans? As if he didn't have feelings?

 

"Your humans implanted the ghoul into him, so what can he do?" He asked. He was shaking. "Why does he have to bear the blame while everyone walks away free? Why can't my best friend be happy for once? Why is it that my phone calls don't go through, and every time a stranger dials my cell about news of Kaneki, I get so anxious that I forget it's another prank call? I see 'missing' signs all over Tokyo, and they're pictures of my one and only friend. If a thousand years pass, and you still don't understand, then it's because you don't _want_ to understand, Mado-san."

 

A death silence followed the echoes of his declaration. Hide breathed, uneven swallows and exhales, as he stepped past the ghoul investigator. He could feel the raw incision at the base of his arm begin to hurt. He ignored the pain, trudging forward and passing the many cells of hungry ghouls in containment.

 

"Sorry, Mado-san. The only thing I'll apologize for is my behavior. But I refuse to take back my words."

 

A soft chuckle sounded from behind. Akira overlapped his strides, looking backward with a small tilt of her lips.

 

"I don't remember there to be anything worth apologizing for."

-

-

 

Kaneki sat in the chair, unmoving. _Vegetative state, the aftermath of a severe brain injury,_ they said. He was still. Sometimes his index twitched and his mouth parted, soundlessly. His eyes were covered by a black ribbon. Still in the process of regeneration. He was a statue covered in a blue hospital gown.

 

 _Kaneki, you look like stick and bones. You have to eat more_ , Hide thought, looking at the buckets of some sort of untouched red meat next to the chair. They smelled putrid. He gulped down the urge to vomit. _Even if they stink like horse shit, you have to eat._

 

"We have your full cooperation, Nagachika Hideyoshi-kun. Starting today, you will come to the fourth floor every two weeks in order to test the results of the Centipede Experiment." The doctor was monotonous and expressionless. He had a face that could win any poker game.

 

Hide nodded. He couldn't take his eyes off of Kaneki. White-haired Kaneki, fragile skin beneath the flimsy cotton ghostly pale as if he hadn't seen sunlight in weeks, black nails and blue veins stark against his flesh. "Don’t hurt him, please," he said.

 

"We'll see you in two weeks."

 

He was dismissed. He left the cell and passed by Arima.

 

"The bird fights its way out of the egg. Who would be born must first destroy a world," Arima's quiet murmur melted into the grey blocks of walls surrounding the vicinity. His voice rebounded like the sound of a temple chant. "The bird flies to God. But if there is no such God, what for must the world be broken?"

-

-

Every two weeks, Hide followed an agent down to the lowest floor of the CCG building. He brought something with him, always. A movie stub from last year, a photo he and Kaneki had taken together, a drawing he did for Kaneki while he was out sick - small things each and every time. Though in the end, he didn't need to bring them anyway.

 

Because Kaneki always remembered. Each time, it took a little longer for his memory to relapse. From hours to days, the time between deletion and resurfacing memories would extend. At first, Hide only had to say his name, and that would trigger his memories. Now, he would sit in front of him ( _“Where am I? Who are you?”_ )  and talk for as long as he could _(“I’m Hide. Someone you knew. I love the coffee you make. Oh I watched this movie last night, but it’s kinda, y’know, lonely watching by myself”)_ , as much as he wanted, just like old times, until Kaneki abruptly stirred.

 

It was always with a sudden gasp, as if he had woken up from a long, terrifying dream - _"Hide. Hide - Hide, are you there? Why can't I see? My head, it hurts. My brain. My eyes. Everywhere hurts. I'm so fucked, so fucked in the head. My brain - it’s tearing open."_ A shrill, eerie scream that followed, and his kagune trying to sprout from his back, fighting against its restraint, the RC stopper pill. _"Hide, please get away, I'm losing control, so help me, help me mother."_ The blaring alarm would go off, and emergency guards come running in with their quinques unleashed, medical team trailing in the shadow. _"Help me help me, Hide run, I'm losing it los - "_

 

Hide’s heart would clench and clench and clench until it became unbearable to breathe. He would wrap his arm around his damaged friend and hold on tight in spite of Kaneki's tremors, broken utters, and struggles - hold on tight and pet his dry white hair while he tried not to break down, himself. All of a sudden, the lightness of his lost arm felt heavy.

 

"You're okay, Kaneki, just breathe. Close your eyes and breathe; I'm here, okay?" he whispered, and it sounded empty, even to him. "Kaneki," he managed through choked breaths, "I love you, man, and I'm giving you away. I'm a horrible friend, right? I'm making you forget everything so you can start fresh, in a place where you can be accepted as a ghoul. As a weapon. I love you so fucking much, but in the end that's all I can do. I'm sorry - " he cracked, "I'm sorry - " voice wavering, "I'm sorry. _Please_ \- " and the hardest part, the words that he had practiced for so many weeks, the finality of it all that hit him like a tornado - "forget me."

 

They came and forcefully dragged him away from Kaneki. _Hide, where am I - it’s so dark, I can’t see._ His throaty, tormented cries drew him close. He wanted to shelter Kaneki from this horror. Wanted to so badly but he let go, let go of his best friend, because if he resisted, they would harm Kaneki.

 

In his mind, he hadn't stopped apologizing. He would never stop apologizing.

 

The cell door shut, and Hide slid down to the cold floor, back pressed against the wall. Strengthless. He stared blankly at his knees, and then squeezed his eyes closed.

 

_Maybe rabbits are destined to be lonely._

-

-

"Shit. Watch where you're going! Fucking kids with their lopsided eyes, now my shirt's stained. Looks like horse shit's wiped itself on me."

 

"S-sorry sorry," Hide spluttered. Crap, he'd been lost in thought and ended up bumping into someone on the street. The coffee in his hand had very inconveniently spilled on the guy. Crap, crap, crap. He rummaged through his pants pockets. Having only one arm was difficult. "Sorry, I'll just wipe it - I'm really sorry, dude, I just wasn't looking. It must be hot, sorry!"

 

"Ugh, nevermind," the guy he spilled on scoffed.

 

The voice was familiar, and _horse shit_? Hide looked the man in the eyes, just as he did the same.

 

" _Nagachika_?" the auburn-haired man said, incredulously.

 

" _Nishiki-san_?" Hide exclaimed.

 

A woman with a shopping bag passed by and asked Nishiki to leave the "poor man alone." It had been about two months since the incident, but Hide still couldn't get used to being looked at as a disabled. It felt a little like...some strange special treatment?

 

"What happened there?" Nishiki motioned to his lost arm, brow quirked curiously, expression still decidedly miffed from the lady’s accusation.

 

Hide glanced at a coffeeshop. "It's kind of a long story."

-

-

_"Phase two testing of the Centipede Experiment will now commence."_

 

Phase two, Hide found out, was a secondary notion to memory manipulation. After the mind was depleted of its previous content and all initial memory was lost, the second phase would fabricate new memories into the individual's brain. It was an altering of memories that would cause the person to truly believe that they were an entirely different person. They could do it as many times as they wanted, perfect him to their liking. Brainwash him until he became the CCG’s omnipotent pet soldier.

 

It was easy to play god on a clueless experiment.

 

All they had to do was wipe clean the past and fill in the blanks. They had already operated on Kaneki over thirty times. His ghoul regeneration abilities made the attempts easy. Each time, it was a different set of memories, and always, they made Hide test the results. He would record how long it would stay intact before his old memories surfaced.

 

"Ah. Welcome home, Hide."

 

This week, they gave Kaneki memories of him.

 

"I'm...home."

 

By doing this, Kaneki would eventually become someone new. A person with a different past, different identity, different parents, different friends, different goal.

 

No longer the Kaneki he knew. No longer the Kaneki who would walk home with his best friend after class, smile innocently with a bandage over his right eye, hiding his other self from the light.

 

_"Idiot, if I were a ghoul, you'd be very dead, Hide."_

 

_"So...you're going out with that girl. I guess people do get lucky sometimes."_

 

_"Her name's Kamishiro Rize. We read the same books. Ahhh, I’m so touched, Hide! I can die happy!"_

 

Why did that seem like such a long time ago? It had only been...two years.

 

"You have something in your hair, Hide."

 

Fingers, soft and calloused, smoothed his windswept and snow-dusted blonde locks. They were warm, but cold at the same time. They felt stronger than they were two years ago.

 

When Kaneki was human.

 

"You feel cold. Was it snowing outside? Is snow...white? I've seen it in my memories, but I don't really... _remember_."

 

_But you loved the snow, Kaneki. You loved staying in the library, sitting beside the window with a book in your hand, watching the snowflakes drift. And I’d sit next to you, reading manga. We’d spend the whole day in the library._

 

"It's white, pure white, just like your hair. And it's cold, really cold, Kaneki," Hide replied. He took the hand that was gently brushing his head. "Extremely cold. And really lonely. Really, _really_ lonely. So lonely that I could cry." He held it against his cheek and nuzzled into the warmth. Kaneki's hand was comforting, and so nostalgic.

 

This feeling. It was like finding an oasis in the desert. And it was his second time stumbling upon this oasis, a chance meeting with salvation in the core of a withering planet.

 

"Hide...?"

 

 _"You have been very cooperative with CCG, Nagachika Hideyoshi,"_ the chairman's voice echoed in his ears, and he couldn't drown it out. _"We are very lucky to have your cooperation. The Centipede Experiment is coming to a close. Your task ends promptly. The remaining of the period during the transition from Phase Two to Three, I will leave to Arima."_

 

Kaneki was in front of him, skin pale and hair snow white, mellow brown eyes staring up at him with concern. He had changed out of the bland hospital gown into something that was more fitting. _Guiltily fitting,_ Hide thought.

 

Dark, midnight blue yukata adorned Kaneki's body from neck to ankle. The linen was open at the collar, putting the albino's collarbones and pale skin on display. At his waist was a white sash that complemented his hair. Hide could tell that the kimono was designed to be loose, but on Kaneki, it was formfitting. He had exercised and strengthened his body over the course of a year, after all. The cotton hugged his biceps and abdomen, and Hide had to tear his eyes away.

 

He swallowed thickly. _Shit_ -

 

Damn it. _Arima_. It was definitely him. Somehow, he had found out his weakness - the traditional clothing, yukata, on Kaneki. This was _bad_.

 

"Hide? Is something wrong?"

 

"N-nothing's wrong, j-just thinking," he spluttered, backing up. _This is way too much._

 

This week, the memories they gave Kaneki revolved around Hide. Arima hadn’t given him the details. The man was _playing_ with Kaneki’s situation.

 

 _“After this, your job is over. Maybe you’ll find something interesting during the last experiment,”_ Arima had said, in the ambiguous way of his.

 

Kaneki frowned and stepped closer. "Do you...not like this?" He pointed at the yukata. "Arima-san told me to wear it, in order to serve my 'Master' properly. Um...if Master doesn't like it, then I can go change." He reached behind and started tugging at the sash, preparing to undo the ribbon.

 

 _Master?!_ Hide sprang forward and desperately clasped Kaneki's arm, in spite of his heart. Yeah, he wanted it. Of course he wanted it. Had craved for it for so many years, but not like this. Never like this. "Kaneki, no no no no, it's fine, don't tease me anymore, okay? I'm begging you. You can keep the yukata, but just don't start stripping in front of me. I don't know what I'd do if you - "

 

"But...Hide, I think I _want_...this.”

 

 _That’s the fake memories in your head, Kaneki,_ thought Hide. _If you weren’t experimented over and over like this, you’d never consider liking me as more than a friend. And that’s the truth that I have to live with._

 

“Hey, Kaneki. You’re...not fair. You’re not very fair, at all.”

 

_You push me away, leave me behind, disappear without a word, and shut me out. Now, you’re saying these things that I’ve always wanted to hear. But you don’t feel a thing. You’re a little marionette on the strings, and I’m…_

 

“I can’t breathe. Hide.” Kaneki patted his back softly. “You’re hugging me really tight.”

 

“Sorry,” Hide mumbled. He didn’t loosen his grip.

 

Nostalgic. How unbelievably nostalgic they were, body pressed to body as if they were protecting each other from the world.

 

“Hide, are you...crying? Uhm...master?”

 

“Who wouldn’t,” Hide muttered, voice cracking. “Don’t call me ‘master,’ or I’m going to get a boner.”

 

-

 

Kaneki was laid down on the bed, and Hide hovered over him, one hand on the sheet holding himself up. How many times did he imagine this, how did it go in his dreams, how did he replace his ex-girlfriends with guilty visions of Kaneki instead? All these thoughts ran through Hide's mind, like a whisper of some devilish warning that he could still turn back.

 

He shouldn't do this. Shouldn't, shouldn't, shouldn't. Had promised himself to never let it happen. That he wasn't going to take advantage of Kaneki in any way, or even hint that he liked his best friend. This wasn't going to work out, he'd convinced himself enough times that he started believing that it was fact.

 

But here he was now, doing the exact opposite. _I'm the absolute worst._

 

"Kaneki, I'm going to go slow. I don't want to hurt you." His hand was shaking. His entire body was running over with goosebumps at the very thought of having Kaneki under him. Breathing quietly, eyes following his every movement, the small smile in the corners of his lips.

 

Wrapped up like a present in that sinful yukata.

 

Hide was weak to that smile, and he burrowed his head in the crook of Kaneki's neck. What was this...he couldn't take it anymore. The happiness - _finally, mine, he's all mine_ \- the possessiveness, everything was flooding his mind and making him blank.

 

"That looks painful. You should lie down instead," Kaneki said, and gently pushed him down on the bed, reversing their positions.

 

Hide marveled at the effortless motion, but he certainly wasn't going to complain. Kaneki taking charge in a yukata - no, he wasn't going to complain at all.

 

Especially since this was the first and last time it was going to happen.

 

Kaneki untied the sash wrapped around his waist, and the silk ribbon slipped off onto the bed. The yukata became loose, and the robe loosened down the front, exposing his toned chest and the strip of muscled abs. He climbed onto Hide, straddling the blonde's waist. His ghoul eye turned black and red. Hide's breathing hitched at the sight.

 

He was definitely, extremely turned on.

 

They kissed, and Hide ran his fingers all over the exposed skin, sliding into the yukata to play with the erected nubs. Kaneki would rub over his chest like a cat in heat, writhing with so much heat it burned. Hide could feel his hardness being held back by his boxers. The image of Kaneki in an open yukata rubbing himself on Hide's chest - just that was enough to make him cum.

 

Hide groaned, running his hand along the albino's inner thigh between the partition of the robe and Kaneki's legs planted on either side of his waist. Kaneki moaned as he kneaded the flesh, "Master."

 

Hide's face lit up in a colorful blush. "Kaneki, you're kinda really _eroero_. I think I'm going to explode in my pants if you keep this up..."

 

Kaneki helped him lift his shirt and undo the pant buckle, unzipping it and fondling the bulge straining against Hide's bunny boxers. Hide sucked in a breath. _He's touching it, he's really touching it_. Kaneki watched his expression, teeth nervously biting down on his bottom lip, which was plump and red from being kissed. "Hide, should I...?"

 

 _Sexy, Downright sexy_ , Hide admired. "Please," he whispered, as if to not shatter this dream.

-

But he woke up, and realized that it was a dream after all.

 

He could never take advantage of Kaneki. Even when the opportunity presented itself to him.

 

“Damn it, Hide,” he cursed himself.

 

He was his own greatest enemy.

-

-

“So what’s the bright idea, Nagachika?” Nishiki sat down on the barstool next to Hide, who was cupping his chin, deep in thought. “It’s closing time, so you better make it quick.”

 

“CCG will begin the final phase tomorrow.”

 

Nishiki choked on coffee. He wiped the brown droplets off the countertop with a towel and said, “Are you shitting me? Isn’t this way too early? I thought you said they were gonna wait until after the congregation.”

 

“They changed the date,” Hide explained.  “I’m guessing they’re confident that the operation’s success is high. Otherwise, they’d wait. They’re also preparing to hunt the Aogiri Tree. In order to do that, they need ammunition. The more powerful and controlled, the better.”

 

Seated to the left of the blonde, Nishiki saw the bandaged flesh of the severed arm. The smell was appetizing. “I don’t get it,” he admitted.

 

Hide glanced at him. His eyes were lackluster and devoid of emotion.

 

“I thought you’d be racing out there trying to save Kaneki’s ass, just like that crazy stunt with that arm of yours. You know he’s going to forget you, right? He’s going to forget everyone and everything. He’s going to become the ghoul police _dog_. You’re telling me you’re okay with that?” Nishiki said, eyes narrowed behind his lenses.

 

“Kaneki - he’s...going to be happier,” was Hide’s morose reply.

 

“With a fake identity. Fake background. Fake family. Even fake imaginary friends. You think he’s going to be happy?” Nishiki dipped his neck backward, looking up at the ceiling with a sneer. “Oh yeah. Let’s imagine him frolicking in a land of green greens and having a super tea party with imaginary copy and paste versions of Kaneki v.2, v.3, and v.4. And maybe when they get hungry, they’ll go on a wild hunt for meat. Do I even need to expand on who exactly's gonna be on that list? Cause your human ass is gonna be safe, but ours? We're going to be hunted by someone we once considered a comrade."

 

"That..." Hide trailed off. He didn't know what to say, because in all honesty, Nishiki was right. He and the other Anteiku workers, despite being peaceful ghouls, would be on the extermination list to be hunted by CCG's Kaneki. By someone they once knew - a friend. But what else could they do? It was already too late. "In CCG, he'll be accepted as a valuable asset. So long as he can control his RC, he'll be protected," Hide said. "But outside of CCG, he'll vanish and go off on his own, without telling anyone what he's doing. He'll be safer there."

 

"I'm so pissed off, I can shred you to pieces right about now," Nishiki growled, eyes dark crimson as an electric blue tail coiled around his arm. "You sound like you don't want to live anymore. Well, I'm not against granting your wish, Nagachika, so keep on sprouting bullshit, and I guarantee you won't live to tomorrow. You're telling me you're going to let some idiot become CCG property and do us in for dinner? Well tell me something that won't make me want to kill you dead."

 

The sharp end of Nishiki's kagune pointed at Hide's jugular, holding him prisoner. Hide looked down at the shimmering weapon and admired it. He was pretty sure this wasn't the first time he'd encountered this kagune.

 

"You're in love with Kaneki, aren't you."

 

Hide's eyes widened.

 

Nishiki's face was solemn, lacking the sneer he usually carried. He was completely serious. "Are you?" he prompted.

 

"What a stupid question," a new voice intervened. Kirishima Touka came down the stairs in her waitress attire, followed by a tall white-haired man. "If you can't tell Nagachika's head over heels for that bumbling idiot since day one, then _you're_ the real idiot, Nishiki."

 

"Tch." The auburn-haired ghoul retracted his kagune after shooting a disdainful glare at Touka. "What, suddenly you're a love expert?"

 

Hide blushed, scratching his cheek absentmindedly. "You...you guys knew?"

 

"Intuition," Touka brushed it off, crossing her arms. There was a faint semblance of humor in her apathetic eyes. "Plus, you couldn't be anymore obvious. But let's get straight to the point. Are we going to get Kaneki out of CCG or not?"

 

They all turned to look at Hide, who nodded slowly, gaze cast on the wooden coffeeshop floor. He had to make up his mind. There was no turning back.

 

"We're going."

-

-

On March 20th, top investigators and the director of CCG would meet with the Tokyo police for an annual report on the progress of the ghoul termination. Due to the absence of the strongest investigators on that day, the CCG building security was weakest.

 

All it took was a decoy from the appearance of the Rabbit and a distraction from Nishiki around the building to take the attention away from what was happening underground. The lower ranked investigators rushed past without sparing Hide a glance, all in a hurry to capture the invasive ghouls. He managed to get to Kaneki's cell without being stopped. All that was left was the surveillance, which should be deactivated in about fifteen minutes. The plan was to have Yomo turn off the power generator and then remove all video caption from the control panel.

 

The cell door was already open when he got there. He knew who it was right away. There was only one investigator who would do something so unconventional. It was the right thing to take him into account when he planned this operation. Arima Kishou...he was a mystery, but there was one aspect to him that Hide realized:

 

He liked interesting things. As a result, he disliked boredom. He would go out of his way to be entertained, even if he had to go against the CCG. That was what Hide was banking on. That Arima would choose his interests before his work.

 

So far, everything was luckily according to plan.

 

Hide slipped into the room. Everything was grey. Grey walls, grey floor, grey ceiling. In the middle of it all was Kaneki. He was lying on a bed, surrounded by surgical equipment and blood.

 

First phase: memory depletion. It was complete.

 

"I guess...you forgot yesterday already," Hide murmured. "The day before yesterday. And the day before the day before yesterday. You've forgotten all those days before today."

 

He walked over to the bed. Crossed the blank space.

 

And there, Kaneki was asleep, his head wrapped in bandages and oblivious to the tragedy around him.

 

Hide leaned down. Hesitated. Then he brushed Kaneki's forehead with his lips. Hovered for a moment, listening to the steady _beep beep_ of the cardiac monitor. It was soothing, the sound of his heartbeat, and Hide lingered. He couldn't pull away.

 

"Hey, Kaneki. When you wake up, it's going to be snowing," he told him.

 

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

 

"It's going to be cold. Everything's white. Just like your hair." He used his one arm to pull Kaneki up, gently.

 

_Beep. Beep._

 

"But don't worry, it'll be warm soon. Spring's coming. It'll be cherry blossoms and dandelions before you know it. So, just try to bear with the cold a little, 'kay?"

 

He gritted his teeth and then laughed breathlessly when he finally managed to pick Kaneki up on his back and carry him. He used to be so _light._

 

"When you wake up, you might feel a little lost. Maybe you'll even forget how to pee. But it's okay! Everyone's gotta start..." he huffed, "somewhere."

 

Kaneki's head drooped on his shoulder as he carried them out of the cell to the elevator. Having only one arm was excruciating. Ghouls sneered at him as they passed. Alarms started going off, and from the flickering of the lights, Hide knew that they were running out of time.

 

"Attention, CCG headquarter is under attack! Attention, CCG headquarter is under attack! The enemy is presumed to be individual ghouls and a branch of the Aogiri Tree!"

 

Aogiri...

 

Hide hurried up, praying and praying that they could get out of the building before they were noticed by either party.

-

-

 

It was quiet in this snow forest. There might be a battle outside, on the outskirts of these trees. But when they were encased in this serenity, everything seemed so still. Unmoving. Like they were locked in a timeless plane of existence. As if the universe itself had stopped.

 

Hide dragged on, deep into the pits of the moonlit trees. His footsteps were muffled by the pile of snow blanketing the forest. Wayward tracks of footsteps trailed after him, leaving behind proof of their existence. Leaving behind the blemish of humanity on the pure white snow.

 

"Food..."

 

Hide stopped in the midst of the forest, and the figure he was carrying shuddered.

 

"Meat...I want meat. I'm going c-crazy…”

 

“That’s the first thing you think of when you wake up, huh,” Hide remarked. He crouched down and helped the ravenous half-ghoul off his back.

 

The bandages wrapped around Kaneki’s head blew in the cold wind and slipped off, fluttering into the air. His ghoul eye appeared, bleeding red with the desire for flesh. The blue hospital gown covered his body, but Hide knew it was nothing in the face of the bitter winter.

 

“Yomo-san and the others are going to take care of you after everything’s over,” Hide said. He was shivering, too.

 

Kaneki stood up, white locks cast over his face, but his gritted teeth were indication that he was struggling against an urge. He was mouthing something, whispers lost in the icy breeze.

 

Hide made out the words. _Please, run, please, run, please, please, please._

 

“Kaneki.” He grinned and stepped closer to the ghoul. He grabbed the other and pulled him in for a breathless, life-squeezing hug. Kaneki’s face was pressed tightly to his chest. “I’m not running. I’m not gonna let you leave me behind again.”

 

Kaneki breathed, puffs of warmth leaving pleasant tingles throughout Hide’s body.

 

“Hey, Kaneki. You don’t remember me, but I remember you. I remember you from the moment we met as kids by the riverbank. From that day on, everything that you do is permanent in my memories. So, even if you forget, that’s okay. I’ll remember for the both of us.”

 

His face was warming up, and he knew he was about to cry.

 

It was almost funny how he could only cry and show his weak side to Kaneki.

 

“But, there’s one thing I’ve forgotten.”

 

He looked up to see the snowflakes drift, and grinned once more.

 

“It’s been so long that I can’t remember whether you’re a childhood friend or an unrequited love. Maybe one day...you’ll remember for me. All right, Kaneki?”

-

-

_Hey mom and dad,_

 

_I have to write a will. It’s required for the CCG job I told you about. I know you’ve told me to quit it or get fired, but I want to do it, so!_

 

Mrs. Nagachika dusted off the blankets and billowed them out in the warm breeze before hanging them on a clothesline to let them air-dry. Off in the distance, cows mooed as they grazed the field. It was a beautiful spring morning.

 

The dandelions were in full bloom.

 

_I’ve been thinking for hours about what to write. I don’t have anything valuable that I’ll be leaving behind, or some extra special wish I need fulfilled._

 

In the Yamaga Prefecture, horse carriages and trucks were frequent visitors traversing the countryside. Today, however, she could see an unusual truck coming toward the ranch. It was a little unusual, because they hadn’t scheduled anything to be delivered.

 

_But I think all I want to write down is that I enjoyed life. And also, I’ve met a really good friend. That friend is like your second son, right, mom?_

 

“Oh,” Mrs. Nagachika gasped. There was a person climbing off the back of the truck. It was a boy with snow-white hair, and he was familiar. Very familiar.

 

_I’m going to be away for a while, so take care of Kaneki for me. Thanks, mom and dad. I really think that I’ve lived a super wonderful life. I mean, I didn’t turn out to be a lonely rabbit, after all._

 

The blue sky and the white plantation, and a wayward child coming towards her in the midst of the blooming field. It was spring.

 

“Kaneki-chan…?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~fin~  
> o "Intimations of Immortality" - Wordsworth  
> o "Dandelion's Promise" - Jay Chou  
> o "Demian"- Hermann Hesse  
> -  
> [Bless seth, send ❤❤❤.](http://lusethxii.tumblr.com/post/105257266760/for-haiseption-rori-my-dad-3-bless-you-for)


End file.
